Showing posts from June, 2007

All good things come to an End

"honestly what will become of me?
Dont hide reality
it's way to clear to me
really, life is dand"y
we are what we dont see
it's everything they dream

flames to dust
lovers to friends
why do all good things come to an end?

i only feel gravity
and I wonder why"

Nelly Furtado - All good things come to an end

I'm one of Nelly Furtado's first fans. Way back when Napster was illegal and just starting it used to have artists of the week and they would make that track available for free. The first week I downloaded Napster Nelly Furtado's - "I'm like a bird" was the featured track. I kinda liked that one but downloaded the rest of her first album and really liked it.

Music is a very strange thing for me. I have probably thousands of different songs memorized but can only remember the words along with the music. Almost every song that's important to me has a memory or part of my life attached to it. When I listen to certain songs it'll take me RIGHT …

Renesis - Hatchette

This is one of my favorite car designs. I'm going to call it the Hatchette. I started with a drawing I liked, then photoshopped it to make it look more real.

Self Portrait

My First self portrait since 7th grade. Drawing yourself is WEIRD Above is a picture of me from where I was sitting and looking when I drew this. I'm going to work on a "learn to draw book" not from my experience and abilities but a book that I write as I learn myself. A lot of people write a book after they have years and years of experience. They forget whats hard, where to start, and the best way to go from the very basic skills to the advanced. So with my book it'll go from basic to advanced as I learn myself. I think i'll make a section of my web site that is updated like a blog about how to draw, then i'll turn it into a book when i'm done!

I'm going to use that same principal for my first fiction book. You'll be able to read it as I write it, help me, and see how people really write books! I dont really know how myself, I know nothing about fiction writing. I've only ever read the books they made us in school and Ann Rice haha. I'm s…

Nothings real until you let go completely

There is something i've been thinking about for quite a while. It's the idea of resolutions, conclusions, and endings. In tv and movies and books there is always an ending.

In real life and almost all situations - there is NOT an ending.

You could say "never again" but that doesn't mean anything unless you never actually do it again. You can be SO sure of something, you can KNOW you'll never do it again, you can swear by it, - anything you want. But since it's not a movie and it doesn't go blank at the end of the scene - nothing is ever really final.

People get divorced. People re-marry. People break up - people get back together. People quit - and go back.

We have to think about life in terms of NOW, not the past or future. The only real ending is when you die, or someone in your life does. But even then, if you child dies it doesn't really end there. If you break up with someone, it doesn't really end. It's s till going on inside your mind.


Ignorance is Bliss

One of my friends asked me what "Ignorance is bliss" really means.

It's one of those things that can be difficult to describe without an example.

Ignorance is like not knowing something. Similar to the word ignore (ance) It's like being able to know something, but purposely not.

An example would be Global Warming. There could be all the proof in the world, and ways of how to make sure it's not a problem but a lot of people would rather just IGNORE IT, and hope for the best. They dont want to think about it or the possibility it's real. Of course they know what it is to some degree, and could learn more, but they know that once they did that.. they wouldn't be able to ignore it as easily.

I mean if the whole world could start to flood that would be a pretty big deal. But instead of dealing with it, people would rather just dismiss it. Ignorance is Bliss.

The same could be said about people who smoke cigarettes. They know it's not good for them, they know wh…

News: June 28, 2007

In the news today:

The Spice girls are going to do a reunion tour.
Woo hoo. I wonder if they can sing live still? They better come out with some new stuff or it's not worth it!
A wrestler killed his wife and son.
Idiot, This is why you shouldn't do steroids.
A group in Michigan are going to go try to find Big Foot.
Awesome! I hope they find it. I totally think there is a "Big Foot" I was just watching a National Geographic show about these little feet me that used to live on an island somewhere. They are these little men, like 3' who walk on two feet and are just like humans, and kinda ape at the same time. I would say that species constitutes a link between man and ape. There are people who say they have seen these little ape people alive today, which is very possible: Only one family of them would have to survive. Big Foot is definitely real, the question they need to answer is if there are still some alive. I saw something on tv once about this lady who claimed to …


"Passion makes you crazy, but is there any other way to live?" Howard Hughes

Virus vs. White Blood cells

I was trying to think of what would be the best and most ideal way to view humanity. In a way that makes sense, but also serves a higher purpose. Basically a way to consider myself and man kind in a way that is good and appealing. I can't think of a current version/ explanation that I like or makes sense to me.

I was thinking that the best way to view humanity and our meaning would be as a part of "nature" and earth.

Whether from a god, or aliens, or as an evolution from elements that randomly came from somewhere - the most ideal way to consider ourselves is as protectors of life, and earth itself.

This is our planet, we can't survive without it. Yet we destroy and pollute it, why? Do we want to kill ourselves? I dont!

So religion and morality aside. We are here to help the planet which in turn helps ourselves and ensures our survival. I like to think of people as white blood cells for the world. We can prevent disease and heal wounds. Everything about our individual bo…


Of or relating to existence outside the natural world.
Attributed to a power that seems to violate or go beyond natural forces.
Of or relating to a deity.
Of or relating to the immediate exercise of divine power; miraculous.
Of or relating to the miraculous.

But what is "natural?"

existing in or formed by nature (opposed to artificial): a natural bridge.
based on the state of things in nature; constituted by nature: Growth is a natural process.
of or pertaining to nature or the universe: natural beauty.
of, pertaining to, or occupied with the study of natural science: conducting natural experiments.
in a state of nature; uncultivated, as land.
growing spontaneously, without being planted or tended by human hand, as vegetation.


Lets consider that we were considering these words as an unbiased observer, an alien, or something that is not man. Things wouldn't be divided into natural or un-natural. If we consider what makes us so special that the things we c…


LOVE: (from 2005)

I believe love to be about someone else, not yourself.. You love someone for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Love is no possession, I think the worst wrong I've ever found or experienced is when people use someone's LOVE against them. When they place duty and restrictions and hold people back from what they really want, all in the name of love.. I mention this because I know there are SO many people out there that feel like their being held back by someone else, that they aren't doing what they want because of what someone else has forced you to believe love is.

I believe that anyone can love anyone else and there are many different versions of love but it's something we all can recognize, sometimes it's misleading, sometimes we sabotage ourselves from fully experiencing it because it's scary, it's SO scary. Not to love, but to loose it.. I think people lie to themselves, to protect themselves. I don't think we're real…
I'm funny when i'm mad. hahahhaa

What's the point?

I just got back from a very long walk. I have a huge chip on my shoulder. I feel like i'm really really angry but not at any thing in particular. If I believed in meant to be or that everything that can happen is already pre-determined. I guess i'm pissed at whatever force it is that decided that. And if there is no such thing, then i'm angry at myself for putting myself in the position i'm in. I want out!

I can't help but notice how pathetic everyone is. They are like hypocritical, ignorant, downers and I just dont want to be around anyone. There isn't a single person I have ever met that isn't just really annoying and bugs the hell out of me. I'm tired of putting up with it, but at the same time i'm even more mad at myself! If it's just me, which everything MUST be - since it goes through me, my brain, my mind, and then back for my inturpretation - it's always me. So i'm like: what can i do to stop it?

I mean what is the point? To make m…

Over it

So after nearly a year I'm done. My book is written, i've tried to get the right people to read it or anyone really - I'm over it. Click here to download it for free. Dont buy it, dont' read it, I just don't care anymore. I really dont!

I'm finally moving onto something I actually want to do. Something that doesn't make everyone think i'm crazy. Well, they'll probably always think i'm crazy, but at least it'll be for my own sake and not a man from 500 years ago. I started on all of it randomly. I worked on it and lost everything but wrote a book. That's pretty cool! I guess I dont really need anyone else to like it, or to read it, or to confirm it, or to even understand it. I'm either right or wrong or a little of both, but it doesn't really matter. Fuck it!

Now that I know there are other people working on it, that already figured out what I did. I'm off the hook - have fun.

So onto new things. I'm going to go through all t…

I'm not alone!

So today might be the best day for me in a very long time. I've found someone who's on the same path as me!

Check that out. It's the same thing i've been doing but in an even more elaborate way!

I can't even express what it feels like to know i'm not the only one in the world to see these things. It doesn't just verify what i've found but solidifies it in my own mind which has been wavering lately. I think this is just what I needed to keep me going!

I have a feeling you'll be hearing a lot more from US very soon!


On a completely different level, but also an example of The "Problems" in the United States I turned to a Court Tv show.. (moral court)

The defendant: A clown woman who stars in adult movies. The one suing her? - A clown who thinks it demeans the value of clowns. How you could assign great moral importance to someone who wears enough make up you can't even see who they are, who put on fake red noses, and who's job it is to act like an idiot - are you serious? How does this even make it to court - even a tv court? I dont understand.

First, if it's bad for the public perception of clowns because there are clowns in porn.. then it would also follow that anyone in a porn dressed as anything else - a nurse, a doctor, a judge, -whatever would also demean their value as well.. "failing to uphold the traditions of a clown"

So it's "knockers" vs another clown with a sexual clown fetish.. The Judge said that the freak suing was just projecting his own …

N. Korea

I'm watching a show on the national geographic channel about North Korea.

The person there is the only person allowed inside the country and is the only american currently in all of Korea. The craziest thing about the whole show so far is how the people there are so brain washed. They think they are living in the best country in the world and under the greatest ruler. They were brought to tears just talking about it. But they have no idea how bad they really have it and how abused they really are. There is so much control over their perception of the world and especially their country that he is on the same level as a God. There are rules about how even posters of him can be photographed and they dont even understand the concept that he could be "wrong" about anything. In their eyes he is perfect.

I never really understood Communism before. It's not a good thing, they treat their people like animals and the efforts that should be put into feeding them and developing an…

Woo hoo!

So I went to log onto my account to order some books to send out to people and it showed that I sold 2 books! That brings the grand total to 3! Whoever you are - thank you!

I just submitted a press release that went out yesterday. It's as follows. Hopefully something comes from it! It's what i've needed to do to get my book and what i've found out there so now's the true test. I've gotten one responce from someone who wants to interview me from 944 magazine which is very cool since i've never, ever done an interview before. Hopefully a lot more is going to happen really soon. IF it's going to, it's going to be within the next couple weeks.

Here's the press release. Hopefully you'll be reading it again on the news soon!

New Discoveries uncover a real life Da Vinci Code

Unless you've been hiding under a pop-culture resistant rock, you've heard about the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, which raised a number of previously-unconsidered…

Sticks and Stones

"I visited Derek Bair's website for 5 seconds and concluded that he was a devious conspiracy theorist out to fleece fools (for they and their money are soon parted) of their cash; as opposed to a run-of-the-mill conspiracy theorist like yourself."

I found this posted on someone's blog. The person writing it (Michael Outhwaite) was posting a comment on the blog and saw a comment I had also left with a link to my site.

I guess this is something i'm going to have to get used to. It's strange that things that are NOT true shouldn't hurt, they shouldn't mean anything, but they seem to sting even more. I hate that someone would assume i'm just out to "fleece fools of their cash" which is definitely not the case. Sure I would like my book to be a success, that's the point of any book, you write it to be read. But I honestly dont want anyone to buy it unless they want to. I wrote this book to describe somethingI found, not to deceive anyone.

I …


These ancient works of art are very interesting. Taken as they are you might wonder what's really going on? Would something still be an "alien" if it was from earth? How long does something, or someone have to be on earth before it's not an alien? What if "Gods" are just another word for "alien" space=heaven. hmmm

July 6th* - I just saw a show on the National Geographic channel and there are a LOT of people that believe this to be true. It says in the Bible that angels came down and took humans for wifes and some believe that the huge leap in evolution could have been from Aliens. It makes more sense that we're all aliens who forgot out pasts.




The Covers and backs to my book(s). There have been about 4 versions now over the course of a year.

Monkey Men

Other than being bored i'm great. I have a tendency to write when i'm upset vs. when i'm happy so usually it seems things are a lot worse than they really are.

On tv there have been two different shows about the cultures in Africa and some south american island. What's interesting is how similar they are to each other even though they are in completely different worlds. Both have their societies structured around animals. The africans - cows. The South American - Pigs. Their whole lives seem to revolve around taking care of these animals and feeding themselves then finding a wife or selling their daughters. It's pretty strange that cows can buy a woman. It makes you wonder if you were to take a baby from there and raise it in LA if it would be exactly the same as someone else. Yes people are people but there is a lot to genetics (nature) as much as nurture sometimes. Would they have the same mental potential? Would they be Superior? Physically they seem to be, menta…


So i'm going to try and figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me once and for now.'

First I should describe the "problem" for lack of a better word, which i would use if I knew it and then this wouldn't even be necessary.

It borders on Depression, but flails widely between a dull roar and then nothingness. It's inside my head, not exactly inside my mind. Similar to how a head ache can be. There are some that feel like a physical pain, and others that seem more mental - affecting your mind.

My problem, this feeling I have, is similar to a head ache but it does not ache, it does not hurt. It's more a lack of feeling than a pronouncement. Like an emptiness.

I've felt it before. It's not really bad, it's just really annoying. It's the feeling of coming down off of some upper, caffeine, an extreme emotion etc. It's the lull in the motion, when you feel like you want to do something, but you dont want to. It's like you're self indulgi…

Paris Please

I know it might be a mortal sin or make me seem like a completely shallow idiot, but as i'm watching the latest "simple life" with paris and nicole I can't help but just really really like them. I haven't been entertained by anything more all week on tv.

Most people just dont get it, they take it too seriously, - they are being stupid on purpose. It's tv, give them a break. You have these shirtless guys beating the shit out of each other on other channels just to win a belt, breaking noses, making each other bleed and that's ok. But these two rich girls acting stupid isn't ok?

I saw on the news that 80% of people with the same "crime" serve less time than Paris got. Special treatment in a good or bad way?

I'm going a little stir crazy. If I only had a car.. Z06 In bright light metallic blue, please.

I'm going to start working on my web site, my true goals with it, not just the Da Vinci stuff. Stay tuned..

A Modern-Day DaVinci Genius?

Awesome. Never seen anything like this before. He needs to attach some generators and we wouldn't have to worry about electricity anymore!

Can't, won't - stop it.

I dont need to want you
I dont want to need you

and maybe I won't

I just want to leave you
I just want to believe you

and maybe I can't

I can't see you
I can't hate you

and maybe I don't

The lost love tells a story The Love lost sees no ending


Most people don't know that in this painting God and the angels are sitting within the shape of the human brain (red colored) Touching man who sits on green, surrounded by blue. You can't find God by exploration, you can't see him with your eyes. God is internal, "he's" inside you. The question is if you're God's creation, or he's yours... Did he design your brain, or did your brain design him?

Blacky is a huge border collie-eske dog. Although we got off to a rough start he now loves me.

When I first walked by the place i'm living he barked at me, then sniffed me, and left me alone. When I walked back by, since I couldn't find the specific address I was looking for, he jumped out from behind a car and made a growling/ attacking noise and grabbed my hand. It didn't hurt, it wasn't a bite, it was a touch of teeth with angry sounds. I was mad;

"Why would someone leave their dog outside if it would attack people?" I almost want…

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

"You are ready for a day of rest and relaxation, but you may have to contend with a gnawing feeling that you should be doing something else. Unfortunately, the little voice in the back of your head could be enough to prevent you from enjoying yourself. Once you truly listen to this inner guidance, however, you may suddenly realize what you can do to make your day more satisfying."

So true, but why doesnt the little voice just tell me already!? I'll do it, i'll do anything.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

"You are ready for a day of rest and relaxation, but you may have to contend with a gnawing feeling that you should be doing something else. Unfortunately, the little voice in the back of your head could be enough to prevent you from enjoying yourself. Once you truly listen to this inner guidance, however, you may suddenly realize what you can do to make your day more satisfying."

So true, but why doesnt the little voice just tell me already!? I'll do it, i'll do anything.

Stir Crazy

I dont have a car. I dont have anywhere to go, but I'd like to. I have my thoughts, I have myself, I'm never quite enough. Always waiting, always wanting. Never waining.

When will my day come? When will the world know my name? Id rather die, than live likes this.

Nearly Un-Bair'able

Yesterday I decided to not turn on my computer all day. I decided to not watch tv either.

My main reason for moving to big bear and living completely alone in the boonies was to break all my bad habits. To force myself into a position where I would have to write and finish my book. Since it's done I'm like.. hmm now what? I could start on my next one - but which one?

So I sat with my mind going in and out of the normal thoughts. What am I going to do? What's going to happen with my book? What is he doing? When can I let go and move on? Why can't i?

The advantage of forcing yourself to sit in one place with absolutly NOTHING to do is being able to come to terms with your thoughts. You'll, of course, think of the thoughts most bothersome in your mind first. Over and over again - but after a certain amount of time you just kinda have to come to some kinda conclusion with them. Either to stop thinking about them, confront them, or reach a solution. When there isn't re…