The Huntress

I've been thinking/ feeling this for a very long time but after watching this Ted Talk it really sank in.

There is a difference between the desire of something and the actual possession of it. I feel it every time i'm researching a new device/ phone /camera - then waiting until it's delivered, checking on it every couple hours. Getting it, opening it, playing with it for a few minutes then realizing - eh, I'll use it when it need it. And i'm onto the next one. I don't necessarily want the things I want wanting them.

This same sensation is/ was linked to my relationships. It was always about the 'can't have' or 'waiting' I only wanted what I couldn't have and I thought that was what 'love' was - love was 'wanting'. For me it was much more specific, love was associated with wanting someone that I could not have because of 'reasons' not for the lack of reciprocation.( I'm not talking about unrequited.) That stuck with me and was always a game my subconscious was playing with me with everything people or otherwise.

I dont want em, I want to want em.

Unfortunately this theme has bled into my work and my book. I like to fantasize about what will happen when I finish. I like to imagine the cool things i will write - I can't wait to receive that first rough draft in the mail, that printed 'masterpiece' that's taken me 10 years to write and even longer to wait for - but i'll spend my time with those fears and excitement rather than using that energy on actually working on it.

The scarry part is that I know this. I'm aware of it - but there is this apprehension that feels like it's physically blocking me. I think one of the side effects of focusing so intently on one thing at the sacrifice of any external excitements or stimulations generates a inhibiting myopia. Or in other words I only have one thing to hope for and it's the same thing that keeps holding me back.

I have a phobia about finishing and a phobia about letting other people read it. What this means is that the opposite is true of the "desire" - the fear of something can only remain while you're fearing it - and not once it's over. You can't know if it's something worthy of fear until AFTER you do it. Then it's too late and you'll realize it wasn't worth it, or it was and either way, you're finally done.

One of my favorite quotes:

"Fantasies have to be unrealistic because the moment, the second that you get what you seek, you don't, you can't want it anymore. In order to continue to exist, desire must have its objects perpetually absent. It's not the "it" that you want, it's the fantasy of "it." So, desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says that we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. Or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill. Or be careful what you wish for. Not because you'll get it, but because you're doomed not to want it once you do. So the lesson of Lacan is, living by your wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals and not to measure your life by what you've attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self-sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others." - The Life of David Gayle

She is a really great speaker. This talk is just as good and runs in the same vein. 

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