Fear is an addiction

4/28/2016 3:46:18 PM
Last night consisted of a new yet all to familiar insomniatic hell. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t find anything I wanted to watch. Couldn’t stop thinking. I could literally feel my brain re-adjusting to yet another new ‘plan’ just as I had gotten settled into one that I felt comfortable and excited about.
Now the doubt seeps in. Is this feeling of un-easiness because I am just adapting? That I have to work on something I don’t really want to – something that I’ve done before and failed to finish again and again? Or is it because it’s the wrong decision?

Are my 'feelings' of fear a genuine sign, or just a façade to keep me from progressing?
 It’s a feeling I get about doing anything I don’t really want to but it’s also kinda how it feels when it’s something that I shouldn’t be doing. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference. This decision makes logical sense. I think it’s just that it’s been almost 10 years and it’s the same thoughts and fears over the same thing? Like literally it’s the exact same dilemma I’ve had multiple times and always eventually fixed by avoiding it. Maybe it’s time to not just work through it but follow through with it. To finish it, something, anything. I think I put my first “project” I actually complete up on such a high pedestal that I’ll never be able to finish it properly. So I’m left with these half starts and ‘almost’. My todo lists are really long and have some half-way crossed off but none of them get full checks.

I really don’t think I can trust these feelings of fear and doubt anymore. They help to generate a lot of things to do but never allow me to get anything accomplished.

I’ve decided in light of recent events to revive “Discovering da Vinci’s Daughter”  A book ‘finished’ in 2007 but which was side lined while I attempted to re-write it. These re-writes would start off easy enough but eventually become so convoluted and restrictive that I would end up just scrapping the whole idea and work on what would essentially be an entirely different book with a different title.
That is what I have been working on for the last couple years and I had JUST gotten it to an almost rough draft form with a quazi end in sight. Even though the theme was the same the book itself was nothing like DDD and didn’t have anything but a few paragraphs from it. It was only ½ of a single chapter in the new book. This left me with the idea that I could still publish the old version as a kinda “prequel” to show the difference 1 vs 10 years makes. For some reason I thought I had to finish the new one first and then I would release the old one.

There has always been this hesitation with posting the theories and contents of the book before the book was available. Why? Because if people go to my site and there isn’t a book to buy then they are not likely to come back. It also leaks the contents for others to use for their own purposes -which has happened before. Or in other words I am trying to figure something out and if I show my work someone else could figure it out first using the work that I've posted. The solution to which has been to not post my work. The problem with that is that I may not be able to figure it out on my own... In which case I need to be able to post but at the same time protect what I've already done.

So this leaves me in a position where I can’t post what I’ve been working on without a book available. But I don’t know when my book is going to be done.
Much of my time isn’t spent ‘writing’ it but generating content that I could be posting. Research.  I’m talking about millions of words and thousands of pictures that are just waiting around. Maybe only 5% or less of what has gone into writing a book – goes into the book. So this leaves me with a lot of extra stuff that I could be posting and is only going to add more work later on. I’m essentially putting it off and it’s piling up.
So the solution is to update Discovering da Vinci’s Daughter to an edition that remains true to the book written in 2007 but gets rid of some of the cringe worthy parts and adds in more evidence for the theory that the book is about. This is a lot different than the new book which stopped becoming a re-write years and years ago. I’m excited about  it – but I’m not excited about editing this freaking book again. It’s not that it’s necessarily bad but that it represents repetitious failure.

Unfortunately a side effect of this decision is putting me back into the exact same position that I’ve been in probably 5 times before. I have to pick up this book, re-read it, edit it, and decide what to take out and what to add in without it becoming a different book. The hesitation seems to stem from my insecurity with it and time frame it was written. It was written when I was in my early 20’s I’m now in my early 30’s! The difference is huge so to publish a book that is “new” to the reader when it’s from so long ago is kinda daunting. It doesn’t represent me now – but does that matter? I feel like if I don’t think it’s ‘good enough then why should I publish it? But then again – why not?  
If I can consider it like a prequel or a before picture, then it takes away some of the apprehension. The problem is the ‘after picture’ isn’t there yet. BUT the whole point of releasing it being that it allows me to start posting everything else that has been going on along the way – between the two books. If I actually happen to sell some it will also help me in finishing the next once since I haven't been generating any income of my own in 10 years.

I can start showing what I’ve found and been working on while having a book up for sale and another one ‘coming soon’ where as before I couldn’t post anything yet.

The problem then becomes personal. My time line was in the next ‘few months’ that I would have the new book done. In that time, I could work through the insecurity of publishing and work myself up to be able to handle the ‘switching of gears’ from writing to publishing. These are two completely different things. One involves limiting distractions and avoiding any contact with anyone while the other involves contacting as many people as possible, answering questions, and promoting my work. That’s very difficult for me and has been the source of my procrastination. I’m out of practice and this new course leads me right into my greatest fear but without the time to prepare for it.  

So basically I went from a time line of a few months to what could be a couple weeks. It’s something I have to mentally prepare – that I wasn't prepared for. It all came rushing in, re-igniting those old fears and memories when I was confronting doing the exact same thing over and over throughout the years.

Am I really laying in the same room, staying awake thinking about the same thing, the same book as I was 9 years ago? The same fears? The same exact thoughts? I thought I was over these! Ahhhh.

I woke up feeling better and sat down on a new chair, in front of a new computer, with someone who looks  a lot different looking back at me in the mirror. I’m not that same person. It may be the same book but that doesn’t mean it is a reflection of me today. I just gotta face my fears – update it to where I am okay with it but also not too much since it’s suppose to represent my past. I can do it this time. I can do it this time. Can’t i? I can! I will, no, I am!

A side note to this blog and the content that I post. I'm thinking that there are a lot of people who may not be interested in the content of my book but would be interested in the writing process. Or more so the actual process that goes into creating a book.( This is why I gave my book 'interjections' between the chapters - to explain what went on in writing the book. ) So this blog is going to keep with that theme and include the inner workings of the writing process and the actual writing. Not just the personal inner struggles but the formatting, programs, converting, printing, publishing etc. There is a lot more to it than just typing! I can't not post something because someone might find it boring or technical- it might be the exact information that someone else has been looking for.

What is this apprehension about posting something that isn't interesting enough?


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