1.0.1 - Intro-spection
About a week ago I started keeping daily 'journals' again. I don't know if they are technically "journals' Because they are more about the details about what I am working on rather than my personal life. I haven't kept those kinda life like journals except for sporadic cobblestones from time to time. I guess I didn't think I had anything too interesting going on to write about, personally, or my day to day life. Which was a good things and enabled me to recover from a time when I had plenty to write about.
While my day to day life isn't all that interesting, staring into a few different screens for hours on end the contents of those screens are evolving to something to keep track of, at least to me, and it's my blog, so ugh here we go!
I figure I need to start writing things that I know will be read since that has been a major issue I've had in finishing my book. Did you know that if you want to be a writer or an author that one of the things you have to do is let other people read what you write?! Noted!
So I think i'll use this, here , blog as a warm up and help me work out my postential insecurities.
Another example of which is wanting to make videos that will be used as a visual aid to my book's chapters - and end up in a quazi-multi-medium-documentary. I have all the cameras and the set is being built - but all that is fine and handy until you want to actually start filming. I've been 'camera shy' my entire life but especially as i've gotten older and more 'reclusive' or at least since i've started to take this seriously and focus entirely on it and myself and not dealing with other people. I dont mean that in a negative way but I gotta get this done and I can't do that with distractions. Anyways I have to start getting used to talking and being on camera which was literally one of the most intimidating things I could think of. The solution was to start getting used to it by keeping the cameras on and practicing. I started with capturing my desktop and talking about something related to the Mona Lisa - which was super nerve wracking even though it wasn't being filmed to be posted but just to experiment. I was proud I did it but couldn't bring myself to even listen to it - until a couple months later and I realized the audio didn't record. Shucks or nice! So I tried again but this time listened to it right after and what do I know - not bad! After that I even started filming myself and the desktop - even harder still, but it game me something to work with and improve upon. It also gave me reason to work out, eat right, and fix up my very non-camera ready face. bye beard!
Amazingly I have taken to it and am able to record myself, watch it back, and not cringe too much. I'm not ready to start posting but I feel like i'll be able to at some point and maybe even include some of the first attempts. I actually kind of like it cause I have someone to talk to about things that I know is interested in the things i'm taking about - me! So that's an example of having to practice - to gain the experience needed to better your self/ craft - whatever. That is also why I am going to start writing on here so I can work through those hesitations.
I think a big hesitation - with me and for most people is the anticipation of being criticized. Take a gander at any youtube comment section - or any comment section and you will be traumatized if you imagine people talking about YOU like that. But the only solution to avoid that is to do nothing - and you can't get the confidence to get to the point where you don't care what other people think cause you like it - until you can get used to doing things you don't like and that DO need to be improved - and you can't experience it until you post it pubic-ally.
“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”
I have a lot of different ideas and things that I work on besides "da vinci" but there are only a couple that are something I can actively pursue that can reach a fruition independently and that are also 'almost done'
First and foremost, and surprisingly the most difficult, is to organize and sort through all of my hard drives. It's technical, tedious, boring, and an emotional nightmare - or at least was. It can be hard to go through your past - picture by picture - and word by word - and that was sufficient reason to avoid it - and to continue to add to the work-load, but after a while of bare'n through it - and seeing the same things so many times - it's really not a numbness or a denial but a true indifference with my past, my past self, and the others left there. I actually wrote something about the feeling of "indifference" that i'll post at the end of this.
The organization of my past - the actual files and folders - is, of course, mirrored with my thoughts and feelings about them. It's a very strange sensation to have to go back over things that happened so long ago and due to the nature and clarity of photographs and saved text (blogs, journals, emails, etc) I have no choice but to re-live those things, those feelings, even though I don't 'want' to and even if I don't "Feel'" the same - they are still there, somehow, and are able to be triggered. Thankfully even that dulls with repetition and now I can look through shit that would have stabbed me in the stomach with the same lack of feelings that it has all kinda blurred into.
This brings us to to main project #2 - the interjections for my book. There are the technical and emotional aspects to going back over your computer, room, and mental inventory but it's all for a purpose. If I take the time and effort to get everything in place - then not only will my whole life be in order - but i'll be able to finish not only the interjections easily - but the actual chapters - since with the organization of my files -that includes the actual content for the book.
It's mostly already written - I just didn't have the chapter order figured out to sort it into. I got that now - and the files are almost all in place - so now the 'real work' can begin - or actually the fun part! I don't mind working, or writing (obviously) it's been the 'bitch work' that has made it take so long.
Which brings us to main project #3
Also inspired and interrelated to the other two - The technicalities, the technology, the file structure - the managing of multiple web sites - the software - the hardware - the printing - the cameras -and not to mention the writing process - etc etc etc etc. are all skills that I've not only had to learn along the way but develop original, um, processes/ techniques to handle it all. The details of which i'll post more about as it ready - to. ugh - use yourself.
Is this what indifference feels like? How are you suppose to identify an emotion - or lack there of - or whatever it is to feel indifferent when you have never felt it before - or at least about the persons you are feeling it towards now. Especially when it isn't an actual feeling but a lack of one? What makes it different?
Well - how does it feel? It feels characteristically un-characteristic - it feels less, it doesn't feel nothing. It doesn't feel good or bad, it feels like both - and kinda wavers around there.
I used to think it would feel like 'nothing' or that I didn't even think about them at all - that they would cease to exist as if I couldn't even remember their name and I didn't feel upset or regretful or fond, but that's not what it is like. It's not a lack of curiosity since I am a curious person by nature I wonder how they are in the same way I wonder how everyone I have ever met and not met are. It's not that I don't feel anything. It's not that I don't dislike them or have forgiven them for every single thing or that I don't get a little tinge of what could be called 'jealousy' but the core sensation is actually a lack of sincerity in how I feel. Maybe for the first time, at any given moment - for long spans of time - I really, genuinally don't know how I feel. I'm not denying feeling something, or that oh so obvious "i don't care!" but rather - I am surprised by my lack of knowing what the feelings are or aren't?
What are these feelings? Or more so - where did the usual ones go?
I was assuming they were denial or that I was just ignoring how I felt but this is different, this is definitely different. I'm not 'not feeling anything' in a spiteful kind of way - wouldn't even really want them to know, where as before I would want them to think that I didn't care or think about them at all or that I was angry or for them to not know that I was angry cause that would mean knowing I still care or think about them. Now the thought of seeing or talking to them isn't exciting or terrifying but the same kind of feeling I have about things I may do if I felt like it at the time but i'm really thinking about the logistics or the drive or the sense of annoyance that I have to even think about it - so I don't want to do it - just like I do when not wanting to go get snacks cause I gotta leave the house and my laziness over weighs my resolve. Where as before I would have done almost anything to see or get their attention or to actively avoid not thinking (drinking) about them and not trust myself to text or check on their pages - now it's not that I don't want to or that I don't feel anything at all but that I don't feel that much, and it feels almost exactly the same for each of them equally.
It's the same amount of dull anger, apologetic, minor sentimentality - but the over whelming core of which is apathy. That doesn't mean that other thoughts and feelings don't flash in my mind from time to time, but the time between and intensity is expanding like the universe is suppose to be. I miss them. Not "them" but those feelings. Those enabling, doubtful, hurtful, and 'exciting' feelings of missing, hating, loving someone else.
They - along with them - are just - not - there.
I can't even pull them out of me. Like trying to cry over something you think you should - but can't. I don't now maybe this is what I have always wanted - to be over it. It's just not what I expected, I guess what that feeling was - was to be over it in a "HAHAHAHA IM OVER YOU< SUCK IT!" kinda way, which was not really being over it but just wanting to hurt them cause I cared. Now I don't even really want them to now how well i'm doing - cause I feel a sense that they will think that it's to spite them and then that thought fades, and as I write this, I forgot what I was even writing about and became more interested in watching a star craft 2 tournament video instead. Not that long ago I could barely function for days/weeks/ months if I had a thought of them or something new about them or they piped up. hmm hmm it's also not that interesting of a revelation. it's kinda like how the thought of getting a new dog is clouded by the old one dying and whenever you think about a getting one - it's a bad feeling - and you remember all the bad stuff that went along with it.
I think i'm at the point where i'm ready for a new puppy. Both metaphorically and other-wise and maybe this time i'll get a different breed. Change is good. Recycling is bad for the emotionment. And i'll take the next one for more walks.