I will not say Goodbye

"yeah, I like Kelly Clarkson"

Amazingly that was the end of the conversation.

 He wasn't like me. I Would have said:
"yeah I like Kelly Clarkson, who doesn't? Have you heard her? Because of you? Because of you? Like, have you not heard "behind these hazel eyes" have you even been through a breakup - have you even emotions?!?!?"

That's not what he said. He just said: yeah - with-ought any other connotation what so ever. It was as if someone asked you: "Do you like Candy" and instead of convoluting it with:

"Well I do like how it tastes but if i eat to much of it it makes me chubby wubby whatever, I only like some flavors as long as it's in the right contextual candy"

you respond:

YES. I like Candy.

The end.

That was what he did in response to the question:

 "You have a Kelly Clarkson cd?"

He said it with the enthusiasm of someone asking: "Are you breathing" but without the absurdity of the question itself.

It's weird because there is this whole feminism/ racism/ whatever going on that is always going on and music discrimination that is is a very real problem in today's society.

If you like a Taylor Swift song you are stupid?

 Umm no.

If Einsten liked Taylor Swift would that make him stupid? If he had  a bluetooth speaker and was listening to "cold as fucking you" when he was elaborating on the theory of temporal fucking relativity would that diminish it? He is not as intelligent if he likes cool and contemporary country music?

You see? No.

That is stupid.


Anyways. This post is about a very specific song - which I am listening to right now. It's

 "I will not say goodbye' by Danny Gokey.

 He was on american idol and didn't win. His wife had died and he was sad before he even auditioned.  I don't know what it's like for an important human to die but if it's anything like putting my dog to sleep at exactly the right time, which even now just typing that makes me tear up - uhhh makes me understand the song that this whole post is about which i've only listened to 200 times.

I don't know if it's the lyrics or his really great voice or whatever. it's not like I just so happen to be in the mood for it right now or someone just died or something but eveyrtime it comes on it really resounds with me.

Why? I dont know

 What I do know is that I miscalculated the personal effects of putting my dog Spencer to sleep. I thought it was rational and obviously the right thing to do. She was ten thousand years old and was about to die anyways. It was the human thing to do.

It wasn't special. There wasn't anything about it that brings some kind of magic to the universe. My best friend - the thing? the person? entity? that i've spent the most time with in my entire life - was payed to die. She was too inconvenient. Gotta kill her.

You know what really frucking sucks? If she was alive right now I wouldn't put her to sleep. I failed her, I failed myself. It sounds so noble or whatever to ultimately put your dog to sleep when they are really old.. It's not magical or spiritual it's fucking retarded.

If I could take it back, if i could do it over again - I would! Are you kidding me?  I would take her for a walk everyday, I would brush her, I would pet her.

I failed | I took advantage of and killed the best person of my life. It sounds really melodramatic or whatever  but besides my mom Spencer is a very close second to my reality. There is some kind of psychological shiz going on with that. After we put her sleep I thought I was fine -  in a completely logical way.

"She was 15ish - they all die at that age or before! you are lucky that she made it that far!"


"I Will Not Say Goodbye"

Sometimes the road just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, broken, lonely, hoping

I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
 I don't wanna feel better
 I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying,

If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone

And I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

I will curse, I will pray, I will re-live everyday
I will show through the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
I will not say goodbye
I will not say...

ok you fucking robot

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