Human Nature is bizarre and confusing. I guess I should say that my nature is confusion cause I dont know if other people are the same way. BUT After watching enough "My strange Addiction" "Intervention" and " Hoarders" I have to admit that I am really not that bad. BUT this story of mine, is.
About a year ago I was doing my daily testicular exam. Actually, i'm lying. I only actually check my balls a couple times a year. This time, I was feeling them, rolling them around with my fingers in the shower -and .. omfg there is actually something there.. My right nut had a little bump on it. It felt like a mini m&m. I was like - oh shit, what is that? Of course CANCER is the first thought that pops in your head after you find something out of place on your tesitcle. So what did I do?
I waited almost a year - until today, to finally go to a doctor to find out what it was. Now considering i'm an expert in putting things off and procrastination this is not surprising at all. What is confusing to me is that i'm completely obsessive and a hoarder of information. One time (ok 3 times) I got a zit on the border of my lip. Even though I already knew I was 99% sure It was because I used chap stick - and that EVERYTIME i use chap stick I break out around my lips - i still managed to convince myself that I miraculously developed a cold sore. Herpes - which I have never had.
SO what I did, of course, was to spend 3 hours straight googling the difference between a zit and a cold sore. Even though i was positive it couldn't be a cold sore - and that I had gone through this same scenario every single fucking time I've used chap stick and got a zit by my lip. I had to touch it, and look at it, ever .3 seconds.
Herpes is ON the lip - not on the skin around it. Herpes does not pop like a zit - which is what it really was. I also TOTALLY knew that everytime i have used chap stick - it clogs the pores around my lips and makes me break out. BUT that didn't prevent me from having a full 24hr freak out.
Once it went away I was like - you are so stupid Derek, why do you do this to yourself?
Fast forward to finding a lil lump on my ball. I noticed it, and then only thought about it a few times during the course of the next year. I would only check/ feel it, a couple times a month - a stark contrast to the hundreds of times I would feel and check my lip zit in a 24 hr period. I also NEVER ONCE researched online anything about testicular cancer, or what a lil lump on a ball might be.
Cold Sore vs Cancer? Hmmmm. Something that could actually kill me, vs being a temporarily inconvenience.
So I spent almost a year completely ignoring something that, if cancerous, could be growing and spreading and slowly killing me. Something I didn't re-search at all - when i am the kind of person that will obsessively research anything and everything that even sparks a minute amount interest..
The question is WHY? Why would I completely ignore something that could actually kill me, and then obsess over anything and everything that has absolutely no influence on my life what-so-ever?
"Never underestimate the power of denial." - Ricky Fitz
This is the dark side of human nature at it's worst.
If i'm being completely honest the main reason I took so long to go to a Dr. to get it check out was that I was afraid of him touching my balls. It seemed embarrassing. Someone who has probably felt thousands of balls - and it's actually his job to do so.
So I, being the coward that I am (or at least can be, quite often) put off an event that would make me uncomfortable for 30 seconds of my life, that could mean life or death - out of embarrassment?
SO, now I have to go get blood work and an ultrasound on my testicle. Just to make sure - even though it's like almost for sure a cyst.
What I learned from this, besides procrastination is really really stupid, especially with something like this, is that: if I could get cancer and die... how much would I censor, or include, or not include in my book? Or anything I do?
I would go ballz to the freaking wall and write and include anything and everything I wanted to if I knew it would be my last and only contribution to the world.
So although i'm pretty sure I dont have cancer - I have a new perspective of my life, my ignorance, and what I should and could be.
The end (well, hopefully not!)
@derekbair | facebook.com/derekbair | itsjustlife.com