People, Perceptions, Potential

Sometimes i'll judge people without even knowing it. Some people i'll look at, ( it's more like a glance) and my brain will automatically classify them. They are X, the end. This can take as long as 3 seconds.

  I guess subconsciously I decide they are not interesting or don't hold my attention. It's not really something you can control, we do it when we're channel surfing or walking through crowds. Or looking at people online.

There are some people you notice and some people that you don't. When you do notice them it can either be for mainly three different reasons. 

  • Something specific: (indifferent)  their hair, their clothes, their car, their jewelry, -anything that stands out but you don't really have an opinion if it's good or bad. 

  • Something negative: they are  obese, they have a limp, tattoos, piercings,  their clothes, dyed hair - whatever it is. This can be subjective obviously. You notice them because of something thats a negative - to you. 

  • Something positive: they are attractive, they have a nice body, they are dressed nice, tattoos. This attraction can either be romantic, sexual, or simply fascinating.

What i've been wondering lately is what makes some people stand out more than others? There are some people that I find myself being absolutely fascinated by. I think the reason isn't that they are attractive or there is anything specific about them, but it's more so that I can't figure them out! I can't classify them. 

So I'll start to think about them a lot. Ill start to observe them more closely. It's not something I take seriously or care about too much, it's more like watching Jersey Shore or a documentary. I'm just interested and want to know more, why? I dont know. I guess that's the point, I can't quite figure it out. 

I'll guess what their sign is. What their name is. I'll come up with this whole imagined fantasy of who they are. It's really funny actually. 

What do they do for work? What is their room like? What is their favorite movie? Why are they doing that? 

About 95% of the time or more I dont even notice or remember people. They fit into some classification system, and don't require any more thought. It's entirely possible that these people are 1000xs more interesting than the people i'm interested in. But I guess thats why first impressions are important. And it goes to show that we do judge a book by its cover - how else do you do it without being able to read it?

I've had a lot of issues lately with how i'm perceived. I spent a very long time caring about how people thought about me, mostly physically. Then I went through a phase where I cared how they thought about my insides. Then for the last three years or so I worked very hard at proving that I didn't care what anyone thought about me and I was intent on proving it to both myself and the mirror.

 I "let myself go" I grew a long beard, I shaved my head, I purposely gained weight, I didn't keep up with my grooming, I only wore pjs, I drank way too much, I started smoking cigarettes, - I basically did everything possible to prove that I didn't care about appearances - or at least my appearance. It was a "fuck it" attitude. 

I guess you could say I hit "rock bottom" or at least I hit far enough down to realize that being like that wasn't for me. I didn't find some kind of enlightenment, I just felt ugly.

I was like; "Well i'm really good at being 'bad' and it's not really making me feel better. Lets put the same effort into being 'good' and see what happens!"

Now that i'm trying to re-gain a sense of pride in my appearance - i'm also realizing how much that is linked up with a sense of accomplishment and self worth. When I work out instead of drinking and smoking - I feel good in the morning when I wake up instead of being hung over. After I eat a healthy meal - I dont feel guilty I feel fulfilled. 

But i'm finding that with my change of expectations comes a pang of insecurity. I'm starting to worry about how other people perceive me again. I think about what I wear before I go out. How white my teeth are. How I smell. How clear my skin is. If I have stray hairs. etc. (It's exhausting)   And in the process of dealing with it - without drinking (which makes those feeling go away completely) I'm really dissecting what these feelings and thoughts are.

Why am I insecure? Why am I shy? Why don't I think I'm "worthy" (What does that mean anyways?) Why do I have this feeling that the more I want something the more I think I can't have it?

And most importantly - how do I fix me?

I'm also playing with the idea of dating or being in a relationship. Is that what I really want? Would it help me or hurt me? It's been SO long since I've even tried that I don't know what I want anymore. I'm closer to 30 than 20, and I don't know how to date as an "Adult." I'm afraid of getting so out of practice that when I am realllly ready, i'll be too unable to deal with it. When I consider the idea I find myself playing out really negative scenarios and thinking about all the bad things that could happen. Why do I automatically assume the worst? Why does "love" make me roll my eyes and cringe? I think I have to remember that the past does not equal the future.

One of the biggest questions I ask myself (and others) is if lovers, the one, soul mates, etc. Are an essential part of life. A lot of people will tell you that their life's main purpose is to find someone to marry and have kids with. The rest is less relevant and takes a back seat to that. It's as if they couldn't be fully happy or complete/ contented without that deep and romantic love in their lives. Is that true? Is that true for everyone? I'm walking the line and leaning a little more to the side that it's a distraction or potentially fun past time. Not an essential part of our existence or the purpose of life.

“I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships."— Amy Farrah Fowler from the "Big Bang Theory"

The other side thinks that relationships are detrimental to getting their work done. That what they are doing is more important than how someone else makes them feel. Lets say you're trying to cure a disease or becoming a better surgeon. Would coddling someone else's emotions and remembering anniversaries and making sure you text them enough or worrying if they are cheating or if they are deleting your dvr shows be more important than your work? Something that could help a lot of people? Because lets face is, relationships can be like a job all by themselves and sometimes even like raising needy children.

Its hard enough to take care of my two birds, cat, and dog! I have to worry if Chance is hanging out with the bad neighbor hood kitty that taught him how to jump the fence. I have to make sure the birds cage is clean and remember to feed them. I have to make sure Spencer goes outside enough so she doesn't pee on the carpet. I have to walk her or she'll drive me crazy. I have to make sure she doesn't trip me. AND Its not just the time it takes from my day, it's the mind/emotions/ love that they take. I care about them and want them to be happy, so I have to give them attention - more than just the food water shelter essentials. I care about THEIR emotions, and I worry about them. What do I get back? Well, they look cute and amuse me. Thats about it. Are they more trouble than they are worth - probably. They serve no purpose. But here's the real question: It's not, would my life be easier without them. Its:

Would my life be BETTER without them?

hmmm. I think they enhance my life. They can be annoying as hell, a lot of the time, I have to worry about them dying (Spencer is 14) Chance is leaving the yard, the birds could fly away. But they make me happy more often than not. They also don't take enough of my mental resources away from my "work" to hinder it.

Would my life be better with someone new? Would it enhance my life? Would it interfere with my work? 

It's like i'm having this conflict with trying to decide if I want to include any new characters in my life. I'm so out of practice and so slighted by all the past ones that I'm going back and forth between keeping my solitude and being sociable. Cause honestly if it would go how it's gone in the past, both romantically and Platonicly, I'm not sure if it is worth it. 

Is the feeling of something missing in my life really "someone" or is it "something?" 

Is it that I need to finish my book and be successful? Or is it that I need someone to watch Grey's Anatomy re-runs with and rub my back?

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