Mov'in on

It's not that I didn't realize it until now, but it's that I didn't consider how much it affected me personally.

We have a hyperly critical culture. It almost feels like the whole of society has digressed back to a high school mentality- where everyone is looking for any opportunity to tear someone down and point out their weaknesses. To literally "make fun of them" and we get off on it. We watch tv shows and say "She's too fat, she's too skinny, she's not dressed right, he has bad skin, what a loser, I would never do that!" the list goes on, and on.

People are making millions off of this while the rest of us are spending billions. On gossip magazines, by spending our time visiting web sites. By watching tv shows who's main goal is to humiliate people or to judge people.

All that is pretty obvious. But what I just realized is that it fuels my own insecurities. If i'm not perfect, then people will tear me apart. I'm afraid to "put myself out there" unless I perceive myself to be perfect. Well you know what, I am not perfect and neither are they! I don't want to be in a constant competition to see who can out rude someone. Who is willing to push the argument further and more personal to tear someone else down. I don't even have to defend myself, I don't have to go there. You don't have to care what other people think, when you know what you think.

When we do this to other people, we start to do it to ourselves. And when we do this to people who are "better" than us, then we go even further down a very slippery slope. If you comment on someone's weight, who is lighter than you.. or someone's looks who is better looking than you... You are bringing yourself down.

Whenever I read an article about a celebrity I always read the comments too. People are so cruel and just plain stupid. They say all these negative things about someone they don't even know, behind the security of a screen and keyboard. When in reality if the person they were making fun of were in front of them, they would ask to take a picture with them and brag to all their friends.

There are all these insecure and negative people who attack everyone else because they don't really like themselves. It's like they are being defensive by being offensive. If I make fun of people, then i must be "BETTER" than them, right? If you admitted that they were better, then you wouldn't make fun of them. And if you did admit they were better - and then still criticize it would be out of envy and spite.

I mean why do people really find the need to criticize someone else? To judge them? To even make a  comment?

I decided that it's the people who are being cruel and petty by making fun of other people that are the people who should be made fun of! Or just ignore them.

I also decided to stop being too critical of myself. I went through a very long phase of waiting for myself to magically morph into a person I couldn't criticize. I kept saying " i'll start tomorrow"- everyday. I would tell myself, "Starting monday I"m going to work out all day everyday for the rest of my life and get a men's health cover body!" and then I would do 10 sit ups on monday and go eat french fries and give up.

I was watching "Hoarders: Buried alive" and there was a man on there who lived in filth and junk and said "I'm a perfectionist, so I don't do anything because i'm afraid I wont be able to do it perfectly. I guess if you don't try, you can't fail." And I realized, wow, I use the same excuse. If I don't work out in what I think is the "right and perfect way" then why work out at all? If i'm not going to eat perfectly, then why even try to eat healthy. If i'm not going to quit smoking and drinking, then why cut back?

And that's just stupid. Really.

I'm working on a photo project and I had to go back and look through ALL the old pictures on my computer.  I take a lot of pictures of myself, and it shows a progression of what i've looked like for the last few years. As I went back it was pretty interesting how much I changed from month to month. From being 'over weight' to having a 6pack and back again. I saw pictures from exactly a year ago where I had the body I want right now - but when I had it back then i remember feeling like it wasn't enough, it wasn't "perfect" so I gave up and stopped trying. If I can't be that, then why even try? When I try to imagine what happened for me to gain almost 20lbs, I think it was just pure laziness. I got to a good point, where I looked great - and then was like.. well, ok now what? I have a nice body, what do I do with it? Why did I work so hard? Why did I abstain from so much? So then I must have given up and found that indulging in food and drink was easier (duh). But now i've reached a point where i'm like, i'm over the food and drink it doesn't bring me any more joy than when I didn't - and I realized that when I looked like that: I also felt better about myself. And that might be the whole point - it's not what you see in the mirror that you work for, but the work itself. The Discipline and inner strength that is required to get there. To be proud of yourself instead of being constantly disappointed. To pat yourself on your own back before you go to bed, instead of sighing and promising you'll do better the next day - but to look back and realized you did it TODAY.

So I decided to dedicate myself to being more compassionate than critical. To do a little better today - than I did yesterday. But at the same time, to show myself some tough love and get used to feeling uncomfortable and push myself to my limits. And i'm not going to feed into the gossip and negativity that's all around me. What's the point?

All I know 
Is everything is not as it's sold 
but the more I grow the less I know 
And I have lived so many lives 
Though I'm not old 
And the more I see, the less I grow 
The fewer the seeds the more I sow 

Then I see you standing there 
Wanting more from me 
And all I can do is try 
Then I see you standing there 
Wanting more from me 
And all I can do is try 

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness 
And all the real people are really not real at all 
The more I learn the more I cry 
As I say goodbye to the way of life 
I thought I had designed for me 

Then I see you standing there 
Wanting more from me 
And all I can do is try 
Then I see you standing there 
I'm all I'll ever be 
But all I can do is try 

All of the moments that already passed 
We'll try to go back and make them last 
All of the things we want each other to be 
We never will be 
And that's wonderful, and that's life 
And that's you, baby 
This is me, baby 
And we are, we are, we are, we are 
In our love 
We are free in our love 
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