Happy Me Day

About once a year I take it upon myself to go back and read my old journals. Since it was my birthday yesterday, i thought, what better time?

I'm half way through the first half of 2003. I seriously dont even recognize who i used to be. Then all of the sudden i found a glimpse of my "current" self.

My favorite tv show is the "Real housewives of Orange County" which is where I live. If there were a  pinnacle "real son of oc" thats who I was. I worked out everyday, thought I  was fat - even though I had a 6 pack, verging on 8 pack. Went to college, barely. Drove a new bright yellow Mustang GT, which had over 4k$ worth of upgrades. Body kit, excessively loud exhaust system, really pumpin speakers, and a short throw shifter. I bought new clothes every week. Running up my credit cards.. Superficial, spoiled, bored, lonely, and depressed. The only thing that made me happy were working out and energy drinks.

Since my "job" wasn't much "work" I wrote phone book sized journals. When i read them it's like it was someone else writing them. Yeah they were almost 10 years ago, but wow.. Was that really how I was, was that really how I thought? Whenever I approached any kind of realness I would write it off as being a freak and that I was writing crazy stuff. Now, and for the last couple years. I only write that way. If i were to go back in time and talk to myself, back then, I dont know how I would feel about how I am now.

I dont even know if I would like myself. My past self would look at my current self with contempt, and my current self would look at my past self with the same feelings. Its weird that I dont think I would even mesh with myself. Id like to think i've improved, but my 20yo self would look at my now, 27yo self as something not improved. Because all I cared about was the exterior. And now i'm about.. well i dont know. I guess the thing we both share is our doubts. This thing I can't explain that pushes me to change, but also keeps me afraid of the same feeling.

I guess I changed in such a way to allow for further change. And this further change is unchanging.

If i look back on the last couple years of my life and really think about it. I think i'm changing, but what I think it really is, is that i'm going back to who i used to be. The best things about myself.

I've seen the worst of myself. I've been there, done that. And didn't like it. I went though what i call an "existential crisis" a few months ago. I was reading Fredrick Nietzsche and it made me question my own morality, or what I thought "Morality" was. I realized that I was wrong. Everything I thought I knew was disrupted. But in a good way. It took a couple months to adjust, but now i'm at this place where im almost, dare i say - content? not with my life, at all! but with my mind, my self.

I still dont have a solid foundation to stand on, but thats the best part. I'm ok with the instability. I'm ok with the doubts. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm, whatever this is. I like it, I dont. And i like and dont like that i both like it and dont like it. If that makes any kind of sense.

I guess i'm in the middle, of where I want to be and where i've been. I'm not who I want to be, yet, but i'm not who I was either. It's complicated and so simple. Enough so that all i have to say is I dont know. It's the unknown. I dont even really know myself. I feel like I have had my slate erased. I'm blank. But i'm also the same person I was. How did I happen? I dont think many people have a record of the last 10 years of their life like I do. I dont think they would want to.

But I do. Way too many memories I wish I would have forgotten. But I can re-re-re-re read them over and over and over again. Would I have refrained if I would have known what I know now? I dont know.

When I read these, another 10 years from now, would I rather have forgotten them? Or will i look back with a strange fondness for my self? I dont know that it's been long enough to fully appreciate myself.

I cringe, I grin. I laugh, i cry. There is this huge part of myself thats documented, and it's someone I barely know anymore. I dont know if i feel proud of myself, or if I should just shake my head, and roll my eyes.

When i think of my past, I see someone with so much more confidence than i have now. And someone so much more insecure than I am now. How does that happen? How do we change so much, and yet stay so much the same? It's a question i'll have to re-visit, maybe, after I read more.
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