C

Most people, if they can remember them, have a few re-occurring dreams. I've gotten better and better at remembering mine over the last few months. I wrote them down every morning when I woke up for about 2 months, and ever since they've gotten more and more vivid, and memorable.

Besides the "angry son" themed dreams, which i wont get into, my dreams almost always take place, in the same places. My Grandma's house, my friends house in Ramona, and up in Big Bear. Very rarely in any houses i've actually lived in, which is strange.

About once a week I have the same type of dream: I'm back in school, in a class room. Most of the time i'm panicking because i can't figure out which class room i'm supposed to go to next. Or that I didn't study for a test or do my homework. In my dream, it seems to be a really big deal, I can't stand not doing well or not knowing what i'm supposed to be doing.

I was a pretty good student and was heavily influenced by the propaganda of getting good grades. It faded by my sophomore year when I got a job, and my first C in Geometry. I always thought i would feel like a loser for getting anything under a - B, but once it finally happened i realized nothing changed. The walls didn't close around me and the school gods didn't come down and lecture me - neither did my Mom. She said she got a C in math too. Big deal. There was something about having a job that helped me get past that. I was realizing that I could learn just about anything I needed to know, when I needed to know it. I never remembered much after I took a test anyways. I would study the night before, memorize what I needed for the next day, then forget it 10 seconds after filling in the last bubble. Thats not what school should be about - grades, it should be about knowledge. But it's not.

But anyways, I'm still always dreaming i'm in a class room and anxious about something. It's very persuasive and persistent, its really annoying to me. It's not that i'm being teased or made fun of by anyone, it's like I feel scared and inferior. I guess I have an inferiority complex. But most of the time it's about doing good, rather than other students. They are more like players in the game, but not the source of the problem. They are the audience that adds the peer pressure.

On Npr they were talking about a study being done at Berkley specifically about dreaming about school. So i guess i'm not alone, and that makes a lot of sense since we're forced to stay in school almost constantly for much of our early years.

So last night I finally had a break though! I dont know if it was the bottle of vodka I had, that gave me some confidence but I finally confronted my fears!

I was in a math class with the teacher I had for 2 years in high school. The theme was the same, I wasn't ready to take a test and failed miserably. So much so that the teacher held up my scan-tron with red marks all over it with some score under 50% for everyone to see. I take intellectual insults seriously! Apparently.

So I was sitting there and thinking to myself. What am I doing here? I'm 25, I dont have to take this class. I'm done with college, I'm only going to take a class i want to! So in front of the whole class I said something like:

" Mr. ____ I've had you as a math teacher for 2 years and I haven't learned anything. You're the first C I've gotten, and in the math class before you I was one of the best in the class and made the curve quite a few times. I really don't think you're a good teacher. And I know I could do better if i tried, But i really dont want to. I dont want to take this class anymore either, I want out!!!"

He didn't get mad. He just said, well you can drop it and only get a Withdrawal and not an F.

So I said, OK! I'll take it. And walked out of the class room.

So that's one inner daemon conquered, only about 205 more to go!
1 comment

Popular posts from this blog

1.2.1 - Shone

Mohenjo Daro

Nothing's real until you let go completely.