Haze

4/2/2003
Such a strange mood today. It was like I wasn't thinking

I am in a rut. Not like a depressed horrible crying intolerable sadness.. But a rut none the less. Its more like a blank feeling, blah! Its actually quite interesting cause im not really thinking about anything at all. Im just like woah, nothing. Very not like me at all, so its different. I tried to do it the last couple of nights to goto sleep, and maybe it stuck? Its weird! I dont even feel like typing about it or anything. So ill stop

Thats how I described it at wrok. I didn't goto school I was up till 4 last night. I weighed 151 at the gym tonight< I dont eat very much anymore. I dont know what i want out of life. or how I will go about trying to figure it out. I just feel a kind of meaning less like never before. I dont understand what people think and how they act. I just want to go into someones head. But i have a feeling i really would want to knowing what other people think. I dont understand how everyone can be so differen yet the same at the same time! and how people seem so normal till you get to know them or seem so weird till you get to know them.

I dont know why i dont know.

I dont know why my life changes without feeling like it.

ANd how nothing seems to change, and when it seems like its going to or did it goes back to where it was, and once it is not that anymore i can't remember it being any different.


I dont know why there are so many different songs, and there can be so many different kinds of beats and why voices soud so differnt. And why love is such a big deal. And why if we are from monkey's and there is no god. why we love, and why it can dominiate our life past reproduction. Or maybe life got so twisted at some point beccause we leared too much and we aren't suppose to contimplate these things. And how all of our knowledge now seems absolute, yet at any other point in history they felt the same, and look how much we have learned from that point? So where do we go from here?

I think I should continue thinking all the time, cause one day built up sucks! and now its running like a river with a mountain above it with too much snow. I dont think i shoud have all these thoughts, its just depressing cause there are no answers. and i feel like im a manic crazy person but with no talents or ways to express myself. I want somethign to perfect or to do something that impacts the world. or at least a greater percentage that i am now. I want more out of life, and to feel like im doing something. But i realy really just dont know how to go about it? I want to do somethign new but when i think about things i can do. i cant' think of any or i can, but i dont know how to do anythinga bou tit!!! i dont know how to do anything, everything seems to be based on money, and if i had more i could do anything, but that isnt' true either cause i would just have things not experiances, and just cause i have the means doesnt' mean i have the knowledge and i could go on and on but i just want to sleep and stop thinking. and stop eating and stop moving. Just nothing itll everyting subsides and things become more clear, instead of a constant haze of endless questions. Questoins with no clear answers that only contribute to the haze in my mind. I dont know anything and yet realizing knowing nothing is like knowing everything. And everything is blahhh. What are the _________ behind the words. Emotions can't be word cause they are differnt for everyone. What other way is there to express yourself without being missrepresented by the way people view the words your saying? YOu say love, someone else see's like, sex or even hate! There has to be another way. ANd explaining can only go so far cause those use words also. ahh i gotta goto bed

another blocking off all these thoughts is in order right now before i take the whole bottle of no0-doze and run away forever!
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

1.2.1 - Shone

Mohenjo Daro

Nothing's real until you let go completely.