Starts with Goodbye (2007)
SOooooo. It's been too long. How have you been? I'm doing great myself. I'm soooo glad 2007 is over and done with. It was by far the worst year of my life but at the same time I have a feeling i'll look back on it as one of the most important. It's weird how some of the best things come from the worst. Learning, growing, understanding - they usually come from dealing with bad stuff as much as from good stuff. I had a lot of bad stuff and so I learned a lot of good stuff.
Talk about ups and downs. I went from almost running away to literally live on the streets, to being the happiest i've ever been towards the end of the year. I went from staying in my own condo in big bear, to a trailer park in San Diego, with family for the first time, and then finally back home with my Mom. I finally talked to my dad after about 4 years and the experience ended with me says "Good thing I never needed a Dad, because I never had one" and walking 5 miles home. I only looked back twice.
I've spent the last couple months on a mental vacation. You would think that not working these last couple years has been like a vacation, that life is just wonderful when you don't have a job. It's hasn't been. It's not! Most people assume someone who doesn't work is a lazy loser, and i'm sure they've thought that about me too. Oh noo, i'm a loser! haha. I'm proud of myself for not giving up, or giving in. It's not easy to do something different than anyone else, and if it ends up working out for me and i'm able to make "a living" from my book then it won't matter if I didn't have a traditional job. I'm just fortunate enough to have someone believe in me, and support me through all this - thanks Mom!
A movie doesn't make any money until it's in theaters right? The same goes with a book and an author. The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding isn't done.
It's strange how people can be so afraid to go for their dreams, and even stranger still why they judge people who do. They write them off as "crazy" or foolish, possibly - "irresponsible" as If I have some kind of obligation to live up to someone Else's expectations of me. But whatever, one advantage is that I dont even have to file taxes this year since I didn't even make a dollar hahahahaha
One of the themes of this last year has been sanity. Trying to figure out what's going on inside my head, if i'm sane or insane. Are my theories dilluded or insightful? Am I right, or wrong? Am I realllly smart, or realllly stupid? There is no inbetween with me.
I spend most of my time thinking. Mostly trying to understand my thoughts themselves - my consiousness. Why am I thinking this? Why am I doing this? Why did I do that? What is a memory made out of? What is this dream made of? What is going on!?!?! - thats what I do all day everyday. I figure once I can crack the "Derek Code" I can do anything else I may want. I feel like I'm almost there, i'm on the cusp of personal enlightenment! haha I've had to block out literally everything and everone else but I feel it's been working, and worth it.
Drinking (alcohol) as been a pretty big problem of mine this past year. I could write a lot about it, and plan to but lets just sum it up by saying that it's better to not drink, than to drink. Moderation is best, but for someone who doesn't moderate very well it's best to withstain. BUT at the same time, not doing something at all empowers it and makes you think you only have two options. Alcoholic or non-drinker. But if you're a non-drinker and "fall off the wagon" and have a drink, you tend to go overboard and think you've failed. The key seems to be finding that happy medium. The true test of self control isn't NEVER drinking, but to be able to when and how you want that doesn't cause any problems. I've also found that drinking causes a dull depression, that you'll try to medicate with more alcohol. You'll think : UGH> I'm sad, I need a drink to feel better - BUT it's the drink that's making you sad. It's a depressent, and physically addictive. If you do too much for too long, your body wants it. You'll go through with withdrawls and want more, then it sucks you back in. It's a very slippery slope - don't go down it. LESSON LEARNED
I've been writing down my dreams every morning when I wake up for the last month or so. I've noticed they are becoming more vivid and memorable every day. I've also been sleeping a LOT, sometimes 12 hours or more a day. I like to think of it as research - don't roll your eyes - it's not an excuse to sleep in! I'm honestly trying to understand them! Not their personal meaning but the actual dream experience itself. The visualisation, the transitions, the structure of it. Da Vinci has a quote that says "Why does the eye see a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination when awake?" I'm positive there is this faculty that controls your mental visualisations. Like if you were to close your eyes and try to imagine something, you can mentally visualize it but only to a certain extent. Say you're trying to imagine your hand catching on fire. You can "see" it, in your imagination, but it's dilluded so to speak. In a dream if you were to do the same thing you would literally SEE it more clearly. The faculty i'm thinking of is there for a very good reason. If it wasn't and you were to try and imagine your hand on fire, you could see it as you would in a dream - in real life and it would be an uncontrollable hallucination that you might actually be able to fear. It would be like being on an LSD trip all the time which could either be bad, or good, but if you couldnt' control it could lead to very bad things. I imagine that most of the schizophrenic/ crazies/ whatever have something wrong with this "reality filter" haha. So when they say they see something that's not really there - it really is to them.
SOOO I think with enough practice and self dicipline someone should be able to develop an ability to use their imagination with the visual clarity of a dream. I could design a car in my head, and then draw it perfectly - actually projecting it on a piece of paper and only having to trace it.
This is not impossible and explains how Da Vinci Did what he did with his art. It's also supported by another theme of this past year: Autism/ Aspergers
Autism: Aspergers- DBS!
There are some autistic people who can look at a painting once and then make a perfect replica. There are some who can listen to a symphony, and then compose it after only hearing it once. There are people who can read a book and then recite back a quote from any page. I think this has something to do with what I was just talking about - mental visualisations. Their imaginations are obviously as clear if not more clear than dreams. They also possess these abilities innatly, meaning that they are born with them. Autism is as much a gift as a dissability to some. But what is autism? No one really knows. It has to do with how people relate to others and emotions. It's a brain abnormality. A different brain set up than "normal" people (Neuro typicals) They actually perceive the world differently.
WELL, about a year ago I came across a web page of an autistic writer (Temple Grandin) up until that point I didn't even know what autism was. After reading an article she wrote "thinking in pictures" that described how she perceived the world I was like woooooow that's exactly how I think! But i'm not autistic, am i? After researching it quite a bit I realized that I most likely am. I then read about something called "Aspergers Syndrome" which is a higher functioning version of autism. Which I was pretty sure I had, but again it's not really understood.
I was watching an Americas next top model marathon and one of the girls on there, heather, has Aspergers. After watching her and hearing her description of it and her childhood I'm now sure that thats' what's "wrong" with me. I put that in "quotes" because not being able to relate to others and not having friends can seem SO much better sometimes. Basically it's only a problem (or considered a disorder) if it's a problem. I went through my entire life feeling like there was something really wrong with me, wondering why I never had any friends or felt like I was understood. I couldnt' figure it out. As I got older I started to really really really try to figure it out, so i basically studied people and how they acted. Eventually i started to be able to fit in and act like them too, but thats the thing, it was always just an act!
Ok ok, anyways. I had a chapter in my book about autism and how I thought Da Vinci was autistic, and how I thought I was, and how thats why i was able to discover what I did. In this next re-write i'm taking it to a new level and from a different approach. I didn't have anything to label what ______ was, autism/ aspergers/ - what you would call it if it wasn't a disorder. So I'm making up my own. It's going to be called "Displaced Brilliance Syndrome" I'll describe it in more detail in my book but it's basically a new term to describe someone with the brain set up like someone with autism - think autistic savant or genius. Its trying to explain what makes someone with "genius potential" different from someone considered "normal." It's all about the brain, genetics, etc. sooo yeahhhh. Look for it in Discovering da Vinci's Daughter 2.0 hahahaha
Da Vinci Stuff:
I've got the re-write for my book all planned out in my head, but I haven't worked on it or written at all in the last few months. I hadn't been able to completely figure out the details of Da Vinci's technique. About 2 weeks ago i finally did! So now i'll be able to explain it and finish my book. It's interesting that I have to be in a certain frame of mind to see it, but now that I understand it better i'll be able to show proof of what I see - so that other people can see it too. The biggest opposition to what i've found is that the images could be a fluke - like seeing things in clouds- you think you see specific things, but they are not really there. Now i'll be able to show that they were deliberate and give pleanty of examples. BUT the most impressive thing for me will be the animations! I theorized about them in my book but couldn't see them - now i can! I'll also be able to present them in a way that other people can too. Imagine, movies from 500 years ago... woahahahaha It's going to be SOOOOOO freaking cool!
There is a group of religious people finding hidden, biblical, images inside Da Vinci's art (and others) via Mirroring. It's good that other people are seeing stuff too, but bad that it's not MEE in the news! hahahaha It's been almost 2 years now and i've seen literally dozens of news stories with my theories in them. I figure they will just help validate what i've discovered when my time comes.
I actually read through part of their site and it's very interesting. They are finding hidden images not just in Da Vinci's art but in the works of others that even pre-date Da Vinci. I've noticed similar techniques from other artists too. What I really liked from what I read was their interpretation from the bible and it's real meaning. The story of Adam and Eve not being literal but metaphors *visual examples* of the mentality of man. How it's a story to explain man's first sin - ignorance, deception. Knowing something is wrong, but doing it anyways and then lying about it.
It's cool cause I know about the technique to see these hidden images but I dont know about what they mean. It's like I can see things, but I dont understand what they represent or what the artist is saying. If there is a snake around a tree, I would just take it at face value unless I knew the artist used them as symbols. I would have to recognize them as symbols AND know what they meant.
I'll be really interested to read more. It says they are working on a book about it.
"A group of theorists believe that biblical images are hidden within Leonardo da Vinci's art and can be revealed by applying a mirror to his works...."
Ok that was way more than I inteded to post. Summary: Vacations over. Derek's new and improved. Willing, ready, and more than able to finish his fucking book, get his life together, and save the world!
2007, you won't be missed. Thanks, but no thanks. If "nothing's real until you let go completely" i'm letting go, and waiting for reality to start....