Aug 20th 2003

When I was in Sydney:

"The last two nights I have woken up in the middle of the night itchy allll over. Last night The naughty nailing rabid rabbits next door didn't even wake me up! In fact I don't even think they got freak nasty at all. I would be tired just from screaming that much to! Back to my itchyness, it's horrible because I don't think that it is anything to do with the bed or the laundry detergant.. I think It's my mind.. Yup im almost positive it is because It hasn't happened untill the last two nights and nothing about my bed has changed. (I did buy new pillows today just in case and re-washed the sheets with new detergent) I think it's a product of quiting energy drinks. I havn't had one since last friday, I also quit biting my nails.

You would think that those would be good things, accomplishments. But if they are what's causing my late night episodes I'm going to go get a V (Auzzie Energy Drink) I do feel damn skippin right now but I think that's attributed to the Carmel Frapppachhino I just had with my Lunch. What's worse than the itching on my skin is the weird shit that goes though my head! It's actually not cool at all. I seriously got to a point where I didn't want to wake up! haha, I get like that sometimes and it's usually the result of watching American Beauty. This time it was Mulholland Drive, It was the strangest movie ever, I totally didn't get it at all. Weird movies like that get me thinking all deep and I guess that could have been what woke me up to? I guess I was just thinking about how redundant life is (can be)

You're suppose to find a wife get married have kids, get a house, watch your grand kids every once in a while and retire happy in the arms of your spouse. But I really don't think that appeals to me. A lot of aspects of that don't! I have this weird thought that maybe our technology surrpassed our minds. One hundred years ago they didn't have the internet, aol chatting, texting, email! They had to either write letters or talk to someone to their face. I can't really think of what that would be like, seeing most of my communications take place online. What if our minds secretly can't take it and they are trying to get back at us by making us want and want and want. I don't want to want anything yet I am compelled to want everything. It sucks!

I think there may be some weird thing that our minds need that we don't know about. We are all striving for something that makes us happy" but we don't really know what it is. We think we have an idea, but then you get it, seem happy for a short time, then watch it fade into the annoyance that is everything else! You want love.. ahh you find it - it's great - you forget about real life for a while then. shhhhh wahh bam it's gone. Either they don't want you, they stop calling, they can't be with you for some reason, Or you simply stop wanting them. I don't know if there is a love that lasts "forever" I think it seems like that for a bit then real life starts to show it's oppressive face. What if we are "meant" to be on farms with 10kids running around? No electricity and a horse or mule named Sally insead of a car? I

just find it way weird how everything fit's together so perfectly but then.. so not at the same time. There are all these streets and bridges that connect together and get you to where you want to go, how the tv stations broadcast and cut scenes and audio together to keep your interest, how your body can even walk and talk and digest at the same time. And allll this is just a portion of what My head has been doing these last couple nights. It's really not as bad as it sounds cause when I wake up It's faded and i remember it's just life and it's not that hard and they are just thoughts..

At least I know tomorrow I can look back and say i've made an attempt and I don't just sit and lie to myself and others. I know im not the same as everyone else and I wouldn't have it any other way. I thrive in my disscontent! ANd im laughing while writing all this! ha ha ha ha ... ha!
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