Learning to love, yourself.


Last night I realized something, i'm totally insecure - at least half of me. Emotions are stupid, but when you try to understand them - they just become even more stupid. It's like you can think about literally anything in the entire world, but we'll sit and worry about the same things over and over and over. WHY?? It's like we're expected to be sad and dramatic. I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be positive and optimistic. I want to laugh a lot. I want to figure out what the hell - "Happiness" really is!


Sometimes I just get so panic'ed for no real reason, and then i start thinking: "What the hell do i really have to be afraid of!?" Then you watch the news and tv for 10 minutes and it becomes clear. It brainwashes you into being afraid of everything, big boogy men, murderers, terrorists, bombs, spiders, carbs, drugs, and pretty much everything in the world gives you cancer!


I just dont want to be afraid anymore. It's annoying. I was reading this weird book thats kinda like a "self help" book, actually I dont know what kinda book it is. But it talks about how people are born how they are - with their "Essence" who they really really are. Everything else that happens in their life is just like baggage, which we call a personality. It's shaped by everything you've experienced, but it's not who you really are. Who you really are is who you were born as. I'm starting to see how true that really is. People dont really change, do they? They pretty much are what they have always been. Everything and everyone around us can change, but we're still the same person.


There seems to be a general theme in life that most people are trying to get at - love. Everyone is looking for someone else to make them complete. They'll do anything and everything to find it, and then to hold onto it. In the book it says that most of the problems people face is trying to fill their "holes" - METEPHORICAL ones. The things in your life that are missing. People want to find someone who will love them as much as their moms did - we look for unconditional love. Sorry guys, but you're not going to find that very easily. Buy a dog. And when you think you've found it with someone special, enjoy it while it's there, cause it won't last forever - it can't. Enjoy it when you have it, appreciate it when it's there - not after it's gone. Cause people really do want what they can't have. - The hunt is better than the kill type of thing. It's better to dream that to achieve, cause once you achieve, it's over. But its much more practical to appreciate what you have when you have it.
But back to these holes, they are the things that make you feel like you're inadequate - your insecurities. Pretty much the things that you would put in the blank spot in this sentence:


"I would be happy if _____."


"I'll be content when ______."


I lost 60lbs. If I had someone who loved me. If I had a new car. If I was done with school. If I could get a divorce. If my boobs didn't sag, if i was 10 years younger, if I wouldn't have had kids. ETC.


But why don't we just do things instead of think about doing them? Why don't we leave the things that hurt us, instead of staying and fantasizing about it?


What are emotions anyways? You can't touch them, you can't see them, they are invisible and intangible, yet they still must exist in some way - right? Chemicals and electricity in a brain? That's really weird to me. Same thing thing with memories, what are they? Neurons that are connected together a certain way? How does that happen? Why can i remember they lyrics to hundreds of songs without trying, but other things just fade away almost instantly?


But really, i'm going to try to stop being so insecure. People dont really care about anyone but themselves anyways, well and Britney Spears.
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