There is no Santa..

Inspiration comes in many forms. Through truth, through lies, through the realization that a lie is a truth or the truth is a lie.. From a love letter written or received. From pleasure and most of all from pain. The truth doesn't hide from those who seek it. When you're ready it'll find you. When you give in to it, when you're ready for what it'll bring you - it gives itself up to you. The truth can hurt - thats for sure. But knowing is always better than not knowing. Living in truth, is better than living a lie. My biggest pain comes from the lies from others but most of all the lies i tell myself. I'm learning to not just search for the truth, but to accept it once i find it and most of all to distinguish truth, from lies.. and even more importantly to see the truth in lies, because they have to be based in some truth.


This is something that kinda went from me trying to write a personal journal to myself, which I haven't done in months - to what you're about to read.. The pleasure in pain, the truth in lies and the courage that comes from being cautious. It's weird how different you write when you're writing to yourself and not for anyone else. But that's where the greatest truths hide - inside yourself.


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I’ve been silent for so long. I haven’t really written in so long. My thoughts betray me. But my letters never lie.



Truth is so hard. Everything we feel is such a lie, a way to avoid the truth.


“I don’t care” it’s all such a lie. If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t say you didn’t – you wouldn’t have to. Why is the truth so hard to hide? We avoid it because we’re afraid to embrace it, our lies are the only things we can always control. So we lie, and we make up this world we live in, instead of living in it. We walk with our lies in our head, and the truth in our hands. We can’t let go of our thoughts, they linger. They are all just big lies.

I’ve always wondered why people lie, when everyone knows they are lying. It’s because liars believe their lies, they have to. “I didn’t do it” they think that by saying that over and over and over it’ll become true, because it worked inside their own mind. Lie after lie after lie – they live in lies, they breathe them in, they believe them with all their heart and all their soul, until they themselves are a lie – a liar.


My mom more than anything else taught me to be honest.. and now I know why. It’s all we have. You’re thoughts and ideas mean nothing – absolutely NOTHING unless they are the truth. Santa is not real, no matter how hard you believe in him. You can convince yourself he is, you can convince others - you could even convince EVERYONE that he’s real. But he’s still not… Your faith in him does not make him real, no matter how true it is to you or anyone and everyone else. You hold the truth in your hand, not your head.


Words are all really lies. Your thoughts – all lies too. How do you know if something is truly true? You can hold it in your hands, you can experience it, you can ToUCH it. Seeing isn’t always believing, what you see may not be what you think you see. A ghost may be a mouse in the wall. Big Foot might be a bear. There are also illusions of the truth – you can touch santa at a mall, you can even take a picture with him. But is he really real? – of course THAT santa is real. But it’s not Santa – it’s an idea of santa. It’s a man in a suite. It’s a lie you can touch. But that also means you have to understand what santa is, you know this by being TOLD what santa looks like. Then you see him with your own eyes, and you say – ThAT is santa. I believe. But is it really Santa? It’s the idea of santa, manifested in a truth but covered by lies. An illusion of the truth. A lie in disguise. A wolf, in sheep’s clothing… a lie.

So how do you know what the true truth is? How can you ever be truly sure? There are so many lies, and illusions of truths in the world. You must go to college to be successful. You must work to be a good citizen. But you can also be successful without going to college – bill gates. You can be a bad citizen and still work. You can be a good citizen and not work. The truth must be experienced truly to be known to be true. The faith in it is not enough. Blind faith is the root of evil. The opposite of living. LIVE EVIL are reversed of each other – coincidence? GOD DOG ? Opposites again…there is more to everything that you could even imagine… A word itself is an illusion of meaning. I say Santa and it means something slightly different to each and everyone reading it. Yes the idea of Santa is Santa – but everyone has experienced different things, were told different things to develop an understanding of what SANTA Is, and the word itself. You read SANTA and think of what santa means to YOU. Based off your memories, memories are based off of experience and what you’ve been told others have experienced. But is there a true meaning? A universal meaning? A universal truth? How many people alive right now believe that santa is absolutely true? Probably millions of children alive right now. Who are being lied to in the guise of truth. Even after being told, they might not accept the truth as a truth – and in doing so are accepting a lie as truth. This is what lies do. They teach you that the world really is what you make of it, but unless you know the truth everything you make of the world isn’t real. You may think you know, but you have no idea. You may think you know the truth – but it might be a lie. You think you might know a lie – and it could be the truth… how do you really know…


You know, when you know. You know when you can touch it and prove it. When the idea and meaning behind something, are universal and can be understood by everyone. Think of math.
If someone hands you a bottle of water how do you know that it’s a bottle of water? How do you know that the person saying it’s a bottle of water or the label are telling the truth? You can look at it and still not know. It could be vodka. So you can smell it, and it could be hydrogen peroxide or it could have no smell. SO you could touch it, but still be confused. Is it water, is it hydrogen peroxide? Is it something else? They might feel the same. So you see, senses can be confused. You can think you know the truth, but be wrong. So how do you know for sure? – by experience. By testing it. By learning chemistry and getting a microscope. By seeing how it reacts with someone else… and ultimately you find out, it IS water or it is not. So you go back to the person who said it was water and tell them they were wrong, it’s not water its’ something else. And they will say – no, it IS water. But what if they think it is? What if someone told them it was, but they did not test it – they believed it on blind faith alone? ON the words of someone else? – lies? Now, he might say that it is water, and you might KNOW that it is NOT water. You could show him, PROVE to him that it is NOT water, yet he still might not believe you. He might choose to believe in his blind faith and not in what he can experience for himself. He might still honestly believe that it is, in fact – water. But it is NOT the truth. Truth is what you can hold in your hand, not your head. It’s what you can test and prove through experience, not through words. Truths do not require blind faith because they can not be KNOWN without experience. For someone to say – you must believe in this fully and absolutely because I say that it is true - ask WHY?? Think about what they might have to loose if their lies are found out. If the truth is told?

Someone else could say – that is not water, that is Agua. But those are just words with the same meaning. The Potato potato thing! A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.. This is just language and linguistics, which people can use to confuse the truth. But each word has a different meaning for each person BUT true meaning is the same. Water is water. BUT santa is not always santa. The word GOD is not always the same GOD or the same meaning to everyone. FOOD is a big word. It means a lot of things. A dog might be a dog to one person and FOOD to someone else. It depends on what they mean by Dog, what they mean by Food. The meaning can be different for the same word.

Find the true meanings, find the truth in the words… This is only possible through experience, a lot of experience. Don’t take the words of anyone at face value. Never accept blind faith. Always wonder, always question, never stop until you find the answers… your own answers, the truth – because it is out there or in there…


The truth is we can’t control what we can’t control. So when we can’t we’ll just create lies about it. We’ll lie, we’ll lie, and we’ll lie- To surround the truth, to control what we can not control. To convince ourselves and other people that we can..

Eg. “If you don’t clean up this mess, Santa is not coming this year!”
“If you don’t follow these rules, you’ll go to hell”
“If only I had this, I would be happy”
“If only I did this, he would love me”
If only, if only… IF you do it, and it doesn’t happen.. it wasn’t true. If you don’t do it, you won’t know if it’s true..
Think, think, think – ask questions and never be satisfied until you experience the truth. You can not know truth without experiencing it FOR YOURSELF.

You can’t make someone love you. You can’t make water turn to wine. You can’t walk on water, but you can think you can. People can tell you that they can or can’t – but that doesn’t mean you can, or cant.. You can’t know, until you know.. You can lie to yourself for so long that you convince yourself that your lies are your truths. Someone else can lie to you for so long, that you take their lies as truth. Someone pass on a lie for so long, that everyone think that it’s the truth… That your means are your ends. You try to shape the world in your own image, when it has its own image. There isn’t anything you can do about some things, but accept them as they are. But some things can be changed. Some things SHOULD be changed. Some things have to be changed.

When you’re about to die, when you understand the truth – when you finally accept it, you realize that all the lies you’ve ever spun are meaningless. The truths you’ve felt, or were afraid to feel are the only things that there really are. All your thoughts and your lies are meaningless. They don’t exist, they never existed in anything but your mind... They are a facade, especially the ones in your mind. The truth is in your hand, not in your head..


As you learn, you learn that the only truths are true. Lies are just words and false ideas about what truth is – what people wish it was... What you think you know, you’re maybes, your should haves, your ideas are all meaningless unless they are the truth. Learn to tell the truth, from the lies… especially in your own minds. The truth is in your heart, not your head…


So don’t lie to yourself, don’t lie to anyone. Just be who you are, not who you want to be. Let people see you for who you are, not what they want to see. Find the truth and don’t live lies. Remember that everything changes but the truth. 1 + 1 is always 2. Your hand is always a hand. Your heart is always a heart. Matter is always matter.

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That’s basically a way of saying, life fucking sucks when everyone lies. It sucks even more when we lie to ourselves… We can try and try to confuse ourselves about what we are in control of and what we’re not. We’re not in control of other people – only ourselves. We’ll convince ourselves we’re in the control fo someone else.. – only ourselves!! But we try and try and try to reverse that. We either look for someone to control us, to control, or to tell us how to control ourselves. Who’s control are you in? Santa? Your parents? Your lover? Your teachers? Your government? You’re appetite? Your addictions? Or do you control yourself… Who moves your hands? Who moves your thoughts? Who moves your heart? Or What? But ask, always ask WHY, what is the motivation. Is if for your own good or someone’s? Who are you giving your control to, and for what reason? Is it helping you or hurting you? But most of all, ask why you’re not in your own control – because you are! You’re the only one who is in control. You move your hand. The truth is in your hand, not your head..

We hide from the truth for so long, under our lies, and the lies of others, that we start to forget what the truth is. We believe our own lies and the lies of others. But yet we always know. Whatever we are trying to avoid or pretend isn’t the truth – usually is. Whatever we want and try to make true – usually isn’t.

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This was the pain I was going through. What made me unable to focus – unable to finish ANYTHING. I didn’t want to accept the truth. I avoided it. I couldn’t do what I wanted and do what I needed to at the same time. I couldn’t make anyone want the same things I wanted. I couldn’t control anyone but myself. I couldn’t expect anything from anyone but myself. So now as I know that it’s really over I’m going through the pain of realizing these truths, but also realizing that it’s easier to accept it -than standing on the edge of the truth – waiting to jump into it. Cause you don’t get over something until you start climbing. You cant pretend to start climbing, you have to start. You can think of jumping in the pool and trying to imagine what it’s going to feel like but you wont really know until You jump. You don’t jump – until you jump. You don’t start getting used to the water until you’re in it. Anything you feel up until that point is a lie, expectations even if accurate are just anticipations of the truth but not truth themselves. You don’t know what it’s going to be like, until you’re in it. You can’t find the answer, until you ask the right question. You can’t finish until you start. You can’t get over something, unless you first accept that it’s over. And even if you think, or know that there will be pain involved, you can’t know for sure, or start to get over it until you experience it.


Excuses are reasons we give to avoid experience. It’ll hurt – yes. It’ll be hard – yes. But it might not hurt too much, and it might not be too hard. You can’t know for sure unless you experience it, this is why what does not kill you makes you stronger! Excuses are only useful when you’re avoiding something that could kill you. If it’s something you want to do, that you really want to do, but you’re making excuses for any other reasons than it might kill you – DO IT. Standing on the edge of the pool making excuses to jump in, isn’t helping. You’ll be wasting your time, from when you started to stand there, until you jump in. If you’re going to jump in, jump in. If you’re not, get away from the edge. But then don’t wonder – what if, “I should have” I WISH – that’s just bullshit. Go back and jump in, if you can’t- then don’t but now there is no point in thinking about it anymore.. It’s like standing on the edge of an empty pool, wishing there was water in it, instead of filling it back up. Or finding a new pool.. Accept what you cannot change, and change what you can while you can.

The smarter you are – the better excuses you can make. Being really smart, I make really good excuses. Being smarter than smart – I always know when something is an excuse and when it’s not – (damn it.) Excuses are just ways we prolong something. When I tell myself – “UGH I want to finish so bad, if I only finished I could be happy” and then I don’t even work on it – I obviously don’t really really really want to finish – do i? Of course I DO, but maybe I’m not ready. Sometimes you have to decide if you really want to get wet.. You might not really want to, someone else might be trying to get you to.


Sometimes you’re not ready to get wet - Because sometimes, unlike a pool, we don’t know what it’s going to feel like once we jump. We can imagine, we can make expectations, but we can’t know until we know. Other people can not tell us if they do not know. Unless they’ve jumped into the same pool, at the same time, with the same body.. There will always be the first time you get burned when you play with fire. If you want to play with fire, you gotta be ready to get burned. If you’re going to jump in the pool, you have to be ready to get wet. If you’re not, don’t stand by the pool Go get ready. If you don’t know what it’s going to be like, ask around. If no one knows, if it’s a new pool – throw something else in. But don’t wonder. Not jumping, and wishing you did is sometimes worse than just going for it.


So now I know why I wait. Now I know why I make excuses. Now I know why I stand by the edge instead of jumping in. Why I can only put a toe in at a time. Then get cold feet.. and wait till I’m ready again. Test the water one more time “Damn it’s cold!” and get cold feet. Chicken out, give up – then go inside to warm up. Then think “I should have jumped, I’m going to go try again” – go back outside, stand by the edge, work up the courage – crouch down, start shaking, then think – no no, I have to test the water one more time!! – put my whole foot in this time, get cold feet, and fail once more. But as long as I don’t give up, as long as I keep coming back and testing the water, and working up the courage to jump, over and over – no matter how long it takes – I have not failed. You never fail if you keep trying. But you never succeed until you jump…


I wasn’t ready to jump in, I wasn’t ready for the truth. Success – failure, are the unknowns, but It wasn’t that I was afraid of failure, or of jumping in, but because I wasn’t ready for the jump itself. I thought I was ready but I was not ready. But remember, life is not a pool. Love is not a pool. Only a pool is a pool. Most of the time “jumping” isn’t something you do instantly. It’s something that takes a lot of work, a lot of thoughts, a lot of time to do.


Working up the courage and figuring out if you should – and want to – and what will happen once you do, are important to – especially when it’s not a pool. When it’s something that really can hurt you.. Sometimes it’s not a pool of water, but a pool of fire. You would be stupid to jump into a pool of fire without protection. This is why the smarter you are, the longer it takes to jump. Courage is worthless if you’re dead. But you must know, if you’re excuses are valid. If you’re not jumping because it could kill you, or just because you’re afraid of what wont..
It begins with the idea of what you want to do, it then requires an action to begin, then the action to complete, and then finally the re-action, and hopefully the reward. You jump, you hit the water, you feel the discomfort of the change, you get used to it, and you either sink or swim. Get out of the pool, and do it all the fuck over again, and again and again. And each time you don’t sink, it makes you stronger for the next time so you can jump farther and further and finally finish whatever it is you’re trying to do.


Know what your’e jumping into. Why you’re jumping. What’s in the pool – is it water or fire? What do you stand to gain, what do you have to lose? Are you ready? Why are you waiting? Are the excuses valid? Are you afraid, courageous, or cautious? Are you jumping for yourself or someone else? Who – why? How long will the pool be there? What kind of water is it? Is it cold or is it hot? Is it shallow or is it deep? How are you going to jump? A dive? A cannon ball? Slowly lowering your way in… are you going to make a splash – or will you sink?




BUT Watch out for people who'll push you in a bad pool, and out of the way of a good one.. cause they are usually right behind your, or even worse -right beside you..

This is why we wait to jump in. This is why I’ve waited to finish. This is why I’m cautious. This is what I needed to contemplate before the jump. This is why I have cold feet… but this is also know why I’ll never give up. But one thing is definitely true, once you finally make that jump – once you’re in the air, there is no going back.. so be sure you’re ready before you start or you might fall in. and just because you get cold feet, and just because you’ve stopped yourself a billion times before – doesn’t mean you can’t.



Ignorance is not bliss.



There is no santa.






Look before you jump, but not until you're ready
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