A shadow of a man


I hate knowing all that i know, only to have to let go. I hate when all the things I dont want to know, find me anyways. I hate not being able to trust anyone, and knowing that it's one thing i'm always right about. I hate being able to figure anything out - except why I can figure everything out. I guess I have to do what I need to do- before what I want to do. The world isn't what I make of it, it's not what you make out of it - it's what it's made of itself.


Two people can look at the same thing in two different ways but it's still the same thing. Neither is right, neither is wrong - my right is your left. My "up" on this side of the world is someone else's "down" on the reverse side. These aren't words you're reading, they are specs of light on a screen. You see them, you think about them, you think you know what they mean, but you'll only know what they mean to you. But they aren't yours, they're mine. No one will ever know but me. Even if I tell you, those are just words. Not specs on a screen but sounds in your ear. You'll think about them, you'll try to think of what they mean, but you'll only know what they mean to you. But they aren't yours, they're mine. No one will ever know but me. I hate knowing that.


Most of all, I hate figuring out that everything I thought I hated, I love most of all. What I considered my greatest strengths were my greatest weaknesses, and my weaknesses - my strengths. The things I thought I didn't like about myself - were things that other people made me think I didn't like about myself. I didn't hate who i was, I hated who i was becoming. This facade of a person, a shadow of a man. A shadow isn't who you are, it's only a reflection of who you really are.


I went outside to look at the stars. When I ask, they answer. When I wonder, they wont. I was asking all the questions I didn't want the answers to, but what I needed the answers to. Things that no one else will tell me, but that I already knew. So I asked a simple question. Is there someone for me? Is there someone looking up and asking the same thing? Is there someone up there, some planet - next to some star - looking up into the same space, wondering the same things, wondering if i'm thinking about them - wanting to know them, wanting to love them.


The stars wouldn't answer. I took their silence as my own, that I was seeing what I wanted to see, and not what I needed to. So I stoped looking. I came back inside, I looked on aol to check my mail and on the main news screen was my answer - as always, they find me.


It was the first things I saw. "There is a huge hole in space" A place in space that scientists can't yet explain, where there are no stars, no matter at all. An unexplainable gap, a mystery, a nothingness.


And so my question was answered. The one I didn't want to know, but needed to. Derek is dead. His shadow is gone. Only I remain, and I am alone and i'm finally free of this shadow of a man. Now it's just me, it's just life, and i'm going to show the world what I see. What they don't want to see - what they need to see. The best of me, the best of us, the best of the world - and together, we're going to fill up that gap in the sky- our shadow.
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