Lies, tears, and fears - oh my

So you know that feeling you get when you think you've figured something significant out, about yourself? I just had one of those.

I'm not waiting FOR something to happen. I'm waiting on someone.

Waiting for someone else - other than myself to tell me something I feel I need to hear.

"You've succeeded" "you win" - "You're right"

Like I need someone to grade me - give me that A+++. But I guess that's what being an adult is. It's realizing you're not in a class room anymore. That you dont have to do what you're told to anymore either.. but not just teachers but your parents too.

The only re-occuring dreams i've ever had always revolve around the first day of school. The fear and anxiety involved.

What if I can't find my class. What if I walk in late and everyone looks at me. What if I say my name wrong when they take roll? What if, what if..

There is ALWAYS the same fear in my dreams, even LAST NIGHT I expereinced the same thing, although this time it felt slightly different than every other time. It's like the dread you feel (well some of us) when you realize you forgot to do your homework and the teacher is like "pass your paper forward" and you're like... ohhhh damn! That never really happened to me, because I was a good student, but I always feared it anyways. It's weird how your entire life can be based off of fear of failure - of not getting a good grade - isn't it? Isn't that what school really teaches you? TO base how you view yourself off of the grades that someone else gives you? Of course you earn those grades, but as everyone realizes, school doesn't last forever.

The day you graduate - or stop going - it's over! No more grades, no most tests, no more expectations. Yet that mentality remains alive for many people. There's college, there's work, there's life. But I guess what i'm realizing after a year of breaking through that brainwashing is that you should view yourself through your own eyes - not through someone else. Cause people come and go, and really - no one else really cares about you all that much. They might say they do, you might think they do - but they dont. They dont care if you're making 10$ an hour or 200k a year. They dont care if you're in the gutter or in a palace. It only matter when it has something to do with them.

Someone can say that they love you more than anything. They could be there for you, trying to help you, and it seems like they really mean it. But, but. Then the day comes, as it almost always does, where everything seems to change. That love they feel is based off of a shared love. They love you, because you love them - you want to be with them, they're most important to you too. If that changes, if you no longer want to be with them - then magically their love for you changes with it. Where as before they might die for you, now they'll actually go out of their way to hurt you.

and you know what, I think that's pathetic. That's not real love. Real true love is loving them even more when that time comes. It's being there for someone when they NEED IT, not when it's convenient and easy but when it's the hardest.

I'm not going to say that I haven't done the same thing. I have this little barrier that I have, it hides somewhere in my stomach. It's really hard to describe. It prevents me from giving myself completely to anything. I've never, ever been able to break it. I've come pretty damn close, but the closer I get to it, the harder it becomes.. I dont even really know if it's love. I think love is a way to get there, but the destination might or might not be love itself. I dont know what it is really, if i did the obviously I wouldnt be contempating what it is.

It's like this unknown mystery that's locked within me. But what's weird is that there is a part of me that I'm pretty sure knows what it is. It's kinda like how Professor Xavier put up that mental block in Jean Grey to prevent her from using all her powers - for her own good. hahaha.

It's fear based. But it's not an emotion, it's a realisation of some kind, a truth.

It's like realizing that anyone and everyone you know, could be gone - and will be. You're only really left with yourself.

I had four parakeets. Skyler, Sasha, Charlie and Audi. I was obsessed with them. Since I didn't work, I would sit and play with them all day, every day. I have hours of video of them, I treated them more like children than birds. I tried to teach them the alphabet, to count, and just really really liked them. And now they are all dead. And it's weird, cause no matter what there isn't anything that can change that. And I feel so numb about it, like it doesn't matter - because there isn't anything I can do about it. All i have are memories and pictures. I could think of all the things I could have, or should have done differently. Knowing that they could have been alive if I had. Knowing I could have treated them better, that I should have. But what does it matter? To anyone else? It's like we can try and not try and do this or that and expect whatever we want, but what does it really matter?

What if we die tomorrow? It makes it seem like everythign we've ever done means absolutly nothing. And what really aggitates me about myself is knowing all i know, and yet still not doing what I know I should. I'll wait to do it tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes, and i'll wait again, and again and again. It's like i'm waiting for something to happen, when i know it's not going to. It's like i'm waiting on someone, someone to come and make everything all better. This person to love me, this person to tell me everything's going to be ok. But I know that's not going to happen. I know it's something that I have to do myself. But it's hard to wait on yourself, when you're already there.

It's like i'm at this cross road in my life and I can't cross over. It's weird that you can be SO ready for something, and SO not ready for it at the very same time..
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