Starting in 2007 this blog documents the multiple attempts to write a book about Leonardo da Vinci, with random thoughts and posts along the way. In early 2016 I finally gave up (or in?) on that and it was the most free'ing decision I've ever made. Maybe i'll go back to it eventually but now i'm able to focus on my other passions. The things I wanted to do "Once I finish, someday." I learned what I didn't like and what didn't work. Now it's time to figure out what I do want and what does.
It doesn't matter anyway
So as I was walking to 711 to buy chips, beer, and lotto tickets I couldn't help but note the irony involved. I'm living in a trailer, in a trailer park, and basically survinging out of a back pack. But hey there is a really nice pool and gym, i'm getting tan and a 6 pack! There is cable tv and Internet too which is more than most people in the world have.
I only have 3 pairs of clothes and the same shoes i've worn for 5 years. I dont really have to decide what i'm going to wear that day, It's usually the same thing I went to sleep it, and worked out in.. so i'm sure i'm a lil stinky too. hehehe I was thinking how much i've changed over this past year or two. Where as I used to never be able to go out without getting ready, now I just kinda walk out in my pajamas and slippers! And I do mean walk - I dont have a car! It really sucks actually. You can't really do anything in California without a car. If you dont have one after you're 16 you're pretty much a loser. So that pretty much makes me a loser. But then again i've had 10 cars, 4 of which were brand new off the lot! And although I only have 3 shirts, and 2 pairs of shorts - I used to buy new clothes every week for years. BUT
The point is, or at least my observation of meaning i've pulled out of the situation is this: It doesn't matter what you had, or have right now, or what you will have. It doesn't matter what you drive, or how you dress, or how other people might perceive you. It matters how you perceive yourself! People dont really care about anyone but themselves anyways. SO when you walk into 711 and you feel self conscious as if someone is judging you - fuck that! The only reason someone judges someone else is because they are insecure with who they are. Or they are just an ass hole. I mean who looks at someone else, thinks bad about them, and then ever thinks about that person ever again? They probably wouldn't even remember you 10 minutes from now! Don't worry about what other people think - worry about what you think about yourself! Cause that's what really matters. Some of the greatest and most successful people in the world came from the most humble beginnings. And what's kinda ironic about that is they'll want to be rich and famous their entire lives. They'll want attention and for people to look at them.
Then you have people who are famous and rich, and they want the exact opposite. Look at what's happening with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan! I bet sometimes they wish no one even knew their name. It also goes to show that being rich and famous doesn't solve all your problems. The secret to success is to try to find happiness DURING the journey.
So when I was walking out of the trailer park. I was like. You know what, this might be one of the very best times of my life! It's like i'm on summer vacation and wanting to start school so much! But we all know that once that first week is over, we wish it was summer again.. and the longer I go without a car or money - the better they will be when I finally get them!
People always wait for ____ to happen before they'll be happy. I'll be happy once I get a new car! I'll be happy once I loose 20 pounds! I'll be happy once I have him/her back in my life! I'll be happy once I finally cut him/her out of my life! But then when and if that ___ happens - then what? Life isn't a fairly tale, once you get to that happy ending - it just keeps going! It's kinda annoying.
I know i'll never be really really content. It's not in my nature. I'm never content. I can't be. Once I have something<>
And I know it's that mentality that's held me back quite a bit. But it's that same mentality that makes the world remember who you were. I want it all, or I dont want any! "Do you want to try one of my chips?" NO, I want the whole bag! I don't want a taste of something, I want to eat it!
So actually not being content and being greedy can be a good thing too, as long as your intentions are for good and not evil.
Here's an interesting moral dilemma. Today my half brother told me to go buy him some quick pick lotto tickets. I was like. Oh ok. but I'm going to get some too. I was thinking. What if the tickets I buy him actually win? Would I be obligated to give them to him? He didn't pay for them. We didn't sign a contract. Would it be "wrong" to switch the tickets i bought for him, and the ones i bought if his won? - YES. haha. I think most people would be like "Well for 100 million dollars I would do anything!" and i was like. Well no. I wouldn't. I dont think I could bring myself to do that. People can justify a lot of things to enable them to do something that's wrong. I think i'm just too smart for that. I always know when i'm justifying something I shouldn't be. Here's an example!
So I finally quit energy drinks. haven't had any for like 2 weeks now. I'm also trying not to drink booze because it just makes me feel bad the next day and it's not good to drink when you're working out. Today when I was at 711 I was like, well one beer isn't bad I wont even get drunk and the point of not drinking isn't cause i'm an alcoholic but because I feel shitty if I drink too much and i'm trying to be really healthy. So it's not like I "Can't" drink or i'm breaking some vow to myself. So i dont know why but I ended up getting a Sparks.. which is an energy drink/ beer... and i'm thinking. Well it's technically not an energy drink, and it's technically not a beer, so I can have it. Wait what? Derek did you seriously just some how trick yourself into buying both an energy drink and alcohol at the same time? I guess it's a case where two wrongs make a right! Idiot.
Another example of my immense brilliance was when I was trying to fill out those damn lotto ticket things. I think i've done it one other time in my entire life. The first time I accidentally picked a number for both the normal 5 and the mega number. Opps. So I had to fill it out again. THEN I manage to pick 6! What the hell is the matter with me!? I guess all those years of scan tron testing didn't pay off.
But yeah... I'm totally going to win the lotto tomorrow. And if one of my brothers quick picks does - i'll be the better man and hand it over.... another thing that kinda sucks about life is how the harder you try to let something go, the more it stays stuck to you. Like gum on the bottom of your shoe!
The shining is one of those movies that the people who only see it once won't appreciate. If you go into hearing that 'it's scary' you'll be disappointed. It's not your typical horror movie. It's not your typical - movie movie. It's just weird in a way that is hard to put your finger on. It's a movie with a lot of layers.
It's an example of a weird type of paranoia- questioning- is there a hidden meaning or isn't there? Are you just reading too much into it and seeing things or was it intentional? This is also a great example in that it definitely has some hidden meanings but also brings some vagueness since the director is dead and can't verify if they are his intention or coincidence or just accidental.
The idea that he filmed the hallways and blueprints of the hotel being 'impossible' is definitely true. It invokes a type of sub-conscious confusion in that we realize there is something 'wrong' with the orientation but…
With blogger you are able to control which posts are private (saved as drafts) and which you actually post. About two year ago I went through this blog and took off anything that wasn't "Vinci-related" which was more than half the contents. I've also used this blog as a quazi-journal, slash place to post lyrics and other things that even If I didn't post publicly I kept as drafts to remember something.
Since i'm winding down/ up towards publishing my book - which almost means publishing all the stuff that didn't get included, which out numbers it 1000 fold - I figured this would be a good place to start.
This blog was following along with the writing process and the trials and tribulations I was going through at the time - which ironically were exactly what I would NOT post. But since I finally feel that I can look at those as being 'past' rather than something that is still apart of me - it's more interesting than embarrassing. I feel a lit…