It's all because of you
I've had issues with my Dad since he went crazy when I was 9. He's bi-polar. That whole side of my family is issue laden. He decided to get religous and adopt the parts of the bible that relate to revelations. Derek - having no concept of religion or god what so ever up until that point was rather confused. I remember him telling me "God is everywhere" and I distictly remember when he first said that to me, where i was and my reaction. We were sitting in my Moms 1989 Acura Legend which would some day way later become my first car - and as a child asking:
So God is in the frost seat, in the back seat beside me, standing outside the car, and everywhere around the car- in the house and in my bed, in the avacado orchard - under every tree and everywhere else in the world? God is everywhere and a man, in our own image and knows how many hairs our on our head??? - yess.
I first considered God to be a man from the sky, invisible, who was (in a human form and size) everywhere around me. Hey I was 9 what was I suppose to think? That is one of my first memmories of "God" - the rest has evolved since then. I actually remember asking my Dad about God before this and his religious revival before that and he said "I dont know I think there is something but I dont know" somethign to that affect - then a year later caring nothing about this God he didn't even belive in a before. I also remember puttin sticks together in a cross sign and saying "loook! God is on the ground!" and blaming the Devil for "makin me do it" before I even know what that meant. I was cruely clever at such a young age.
Fast forward a few years and I go to visit him every other weekend and during the summers. He's living in Big Bear - my Mom divorsed him since literally went crazy and to live in a hole in the ground waiting for the world to end - and I get to go see him on the weekends. I liked it, i liked big bear, I liked him.
He tells me that earth quake are going to come that destroy the world, the anti-christ would rise from some church, take over the world. 1/3 of the world population would die, and only him and the saved would survive on the "mountain of the lord" - big bear.
He makes underground houses and listens to these radio statoins that would talk about the "Y2K" and the 666 that would be implanted in the hand.
I listen, I learn, I'm never ever truley beleive. I remember being baptized and being more afraid of them knowing that I don't really beleive in it - that they would some how know - which they didn't.
My Dad talks about the 10 comandments, one of which is "Though shall not covet thy neighbors wife" which is interesting since his literal neighbor - Pam who is maried to Wayne and has an adopted black daughter Katie - ends up leaving her husband for my Dad. But lets back track a couple months to add to the irony and horrible nature of the events that follow. Pam and Wayne are the epitome of the Christia couple in Calvery Chappel Big Bear Lake - he's even a ___ whatever leader in the church. I'm talking about couple that adopts a black baby who's mother was a drug dealer to make themselves look even more better than their perfect little lives already are. I think thats great when it's for the right reasons and i'm not saying that they didn't adopt her for the right reasons but what follows should allude to the nature of the beast. So anyways Pam and Wayne are the best couple at the church. My Dad is the eccentric guy who beleives a little too much in the revelation - which everyone else does as well but maybe not quite as much. Hey it's part of the bible you have to right?
So back to the 10 comandments - don't covet thy neighbors wife. The world is going to end. Thy god is a jealous and spiteful god, yet kind and just and Jesus died for your sins - so basically you can do anything and be forgiven no matter what, unless your "gay" say "god damn" or kill yourself - those are "moral sins" amen.
Fast forward Pam leaves Wayne for my Dad who - at some point - must have enduced a relationship that was more than neighborly - right? Just like he did countless times with my mom - one of which was with a 17 year old, another of which was with her co-worker, and another that she doens't even know about that was with her neice - and sadly countless others! but like that matters he found jesus and is now a christian.
Back to Pam. Pam wants my Dad. My Dad kinda wants Pam. Pam tells Wayne that she doesn't want to be with him anymore. Pam starts to try to get my Dad to marry her - my Dad is hesitant and goes back and forth. This is during the summer i'm staying with him. Pam tells me (who's 13) to convice my dad to Marry her - I do. In the mean time Pam tells Wayne there might be a chance they could get back together, but after I talk to my Dad and tell him what Pam told me to tell him - he decides to stay with her. Wayne Shoots himself in the head - killing himself and according to the word of God - goes straight to hell or purgatory - whatever.
Fast forward. I'm the only one at Pam and my Dad's "Wedding" which takes place in a court house. Pam and my Dad are asked to not attend church anymore - for obvious reasons. We go on a "make a wish foundation" trip to Hawaii since Katie is terminally ill - *she's still alive today*
Fast forward. Derek gets his licence and never goes to see his Dad again. His Dad anulls his marriage to Pam.
Derek life continues without child support, or anything from his father ever again.
He see's his dad maybe 4 times since. One of which is for his 4th wedding, which is on horse back to a new lady - Debby who has a daughter NICOLE.
Nicole is what you might call a problem child. She gets into drugs, the wrong crowd (and wrong parents) she gets pregnant from someone who goes to jail. Then nicole, my new step sister steals from the hotel she works at and goes to jail for 3 years leaving Grandpa and grandpa as the parents of her baby - well maybe there is a god after alll and karma exists.
Fastforward. Derek is 23. He hasn't seen or had any help from his Dad other than 50$ in a birthday card since he was 16. His friends have done more for him and spent more money on him than his own father.
Fast forward one last time. Derek is 24 and goes a lil crazy thanks to this Dad's crazy genes, drugs, and other complicated situations - and you have me.
Thankfully half my dna is dilluted by an amazing mother and blond, beautiful, tall , norweighan dna - and I over come most of my problems and addictions only to be presented with the three little letter word once again - Dad.
Derek wonders. What is true? I hate My dad? Or He's crazy and never Reallly did anything THAT bad to me,and I need to forgive?
I hang out with My Dad. After 3 days of not eating, going through with energy drink withdrawls, JUST writing a blog about how much i hate him _ which i unpost the next day- and then think. Well he's ok. He's fine. He's just like me, but older.
NO. Even though we share half our dna, even tough he's my "father' even though he gets angry when he doesn't eat and gave me life. He is NOTHING like me. There could be some of him inside of me but I only took the very best that he had to offer and nothing more.
I'm a full head taller than him and 10x's better.
Today i woke up at 8 am. 5 minutes before he called Iwoke up. If i'm not psychic then there has to be another word to describe what i am. I called him back, he wanted to go ski -doing. I did. It was fine. I went to go help him do some "job" he had and on the way he put on some ghetto country music. I could barely stand to be in - what ironically was my truck originally! which is a whole nother story - and was like wtf is going on.
fast forward a couple hours later. We're on our way to pick up a part for his tractor and he turns on the christian radio station......................
Like I said I have a literal phobia about anyone talking on the radio because of him and his tribulation bullshit and couldn't take it anymore. I was like whhhhat the fuck. Noooo noooo noooooo THIS is not going to happen. If i can get mad at my mom for nothing i can get mad at my dad for everything..
I said "this talk radio makes me naucious"
and i started to say how those supposid christians and their bible bable made me sick to my stomach and how they talk to much but have no idea what they are really saying.
he agred but then said he found some other guy who said exactly what he believe about the "end times"
and for the first time in his and my life. I had something to say to every and all of his close mided idiotic psycho babbel. After listening to all his rants about revelation and the end times i'm goten older, wiser, and more informed than he could even imagine. Ever time I heard anthing abou the book of "revelation" I listened and i remembered. 666 was the number of a man - NERO. A man who existed in the time of the man who wrote that book. Who said things that have alredy happened. And things that no one who wants the world to end will ever listen to.
The first part of our conversation was basicallly me asking him why he thinks out of the 7 billion people on this earth and the millions of inturpretations of the thousands of different religions why - he out of alll of them thinks he's right? Why the people who don't even know what the bible is or who Jesus was are going to go to hell. The things i've thought of - thanks to him - constantly for 10 years every single day- who's smart and actually not only knows how to read *which he can barely* and write - though about and considered unbiasedly!
We weren't angy, just talking
Fast forward, we're going around a corner and I splurt out" I have a sour taste in my mouth after the times i've spent with you and pam and these people who say they are christians and then turn around, and knowing that's it's wrong and shit in gods face! and do the wrong thing anyways. These people who say they are so ritchous and everyone else is wrong and going to hell who do the exact same things that the say is so wrong over and over again - then ask for forgivness and everythign is suppose to be fine??
These people who say they are "chrisitans' who know what's right and wrong and then do the wrong- and judge everyone else in the entire world and say they are going to hell and then shit on gods face when they do what they KNOW is wrong??? and then have the audacity of saying who's gong to hell and heaven?? fuck them
The only thing he had to say is "no one is perfect"
So I talk about Pam and his hypocrasy and even throw in a little thowing in the face drama which i'm oh so good at...
"Don't think I don't know about Laura and Melanie and the countless others you cheated on my mom with" then i went off about that and how he's raising a bastard son who's now even his and who's he's done for than someone that is half of who he is. He basically didn't have anything to say...What's he going to say?
He changs the subject, tells me the biblical story of Sampson and Delilah or whatever, the wone wo gets a woman pregnant, then makes sure her real husband dies - yeah ok. wtf does that have to do with anything? he complains about his latest wife, i barely listen as i htink of what i really want to say to him.
He says" "you know i really miss your mom sometimes" - yeah no shit. She's the kind of person who - when put in front of her does the right thing insead of the wrong thing.
He ignores everything i've said previoysly and tries to get me to drive and operate a dump trcukc - fuck no. I dont do that but besides that he couldn't even bring himself to say he's sorry even for a seond. When that's alll i ever wanted.
So we small talk about his stu[pid women adn i try to workup the courage to say wahat i've neeeed to say. I ddidt and he didn't say anything.
and the end of all of this, which came unexpectedly to him, but years in waiting from me - was this. After a long time of being able to actually speak the words.
"I said everything i needed to say, and heard what I expected to hear. When I do all the amazing things i'm about to do i want you to know that I did it without you. And good thing I never needed a dad because i never really had one. I need to take a long walk thats all i really came to say" and I walked away - 5 miles to where I was living. I only looked back once to make sure he wasn't following me - he wasn't.
So after what was both the hardest and easiest thing i've ever done i'm left numb, proud but just like ok - done. I dont love him. There is nothing i have to lean from him. I did and said what i needed to - to his face and surprised even myself.
I am raady to move on, and now maybe I finally can. - "amen"