Don't waste your time

Something I've known about myself for quite a while, but never really put into perspective is how unforgiving I am. Whether it's my uncanny memory, excessive journaling, or extreme sensitivity - I dont forget any wrong ever done to me. They stay on replay whenever I think of a particular person.

The thing about forgiveness and "getting over something" that most dont consider is WHY? If someone does something to you, that's hurtful, a lie, betrayal, - basically anything really bad, or even remotely bad - what is the point in forgiving them? What good does it serve you? I've always been a loaner and with good reason, kids are cruel and stupid. But as i've gotten older i'm realizing it's not just kids, it's pretty much everyone. Even the people who claim to "love" you most are just as bad. Is it just me? Or are there actually good people out there that don't do these horrible things i've come to expect from everyone?

When someone can look you in the eyes and swear on their god, and blatantly lie - over something not even worth a normal lie - how can you ever truly believe anything they say ever again? When you get so close to someone that they tell you everything about their life and what they do, and don't do, which also includes more lies in a single week than i've told my entire life - at what point is that friendship just not worth the effort? Pretty soon you just start to accept that that's ok, and something people do. But i dont! So why can't i expect that same honesty from someone else? I think I should be able to.

I dont necessarily hang onto the past all that much. I never forget. I guess I just dont see the point in letting go of some wrongs and hanging onto the people who've done them. It seems more advantageous to do the opposite. If someone's crossed me, or done something cruel and hurtful towards me, intentionally even if it's "Just because they were angry"- why forgive? Even if they were to never do it again - which isn't likely - why not just cut them out of your life and move on? Unless i've made some crazy bond with someone, i'm not going to keep them in my life if they have done something bad to me. Maybe that's why I have no friends. Maybe that's why I dont really like anyone all that much.

When I think about my life and the people who have come in and out of it, I honestly dont really really like any of them. I guess if they were that great - they would still be in my life. I look back at my life and all the experiences i've had with other people, and as few of them there actually are, a lot of it makes a lot more sense in reflection. It wasn't that I couldn't make friends, it was that I couldn't find anyone I wanted to be friends with. I think a lot of that has to do with being an only child. I never had to put up with brothers or sisters - i never developed that sense of tolerance. With me, I would just walk away and never speak to someone again if something bad happened - it was that simple.

Whenever i'm starting to make a new friend, it takes pretty much a single stupid statement or annoying act to make me totally uninterested. I dont want to force myself to get along with someone, I think it should be easy! and if it's not, id just rather be alone! It just seems that simple to me.

When you add in deeper emotions and a longer amount of time, it seems like we'll put up with a lot more shit, but at what point is it just too much? Doesn't that depend on your tolerance? To your patience for bullshit and things you dont like?

Most of the time when i talk to people i'm thinking "IS this really what you care about? Are you really this stupid? no really?" and they are! I'm never surprised or impressed, it's always, always, the opposite.

The reverse of all this is considering my part in the relationship - is it JUST ME? And my answer to that is if it is me that's the problem - then the same applies. Walk away, leave me alone, and move on! I dont want to be a problem for anyone else than they are for me!

Im at the point in my life where i'm really able to let things go, i'll never forget, but i'll definitely move on. But then when someone tries to come back, or act like nothing ever happened - like it's all suppose to be ok. It's not. I dont forgive, i dont forget, I can't help it - yet. I know it's something I have to work on, But instead of putting the effort into that. WHy not just find someone that there isn't drama, there aren't lies, people that wont do these hurtful horrible things to me! I know I have it in me to forgive just about anything, If the person was worth it. But as for everyone else that's come in and out of my life i'm just like - wtf? Why can't someone just be a really great person???? Not just great in some slight moments, but more than not?

I'm actually optimistic, I know they are out there - somewhere. It's just that the few people i've actually gotten close to, made me afraid of getting to know anyone else (and prevented). I've only ever had like a hand full of friends, and met barely more than that. So hopefully it's just my lack of experience rather than the norm! Interestingly, the ONLY people who've read my book *which has been done for a couple months now* have been random people online. Not a SINGLE friend of mine has read it! Something I spent a year on, exclusively, me in a few hundred pages, which can literally be read in a single sitting, or a couple movies, in your spare time before bed etc.. When i've listened to them for literally hundreds of hours of bulllllshit, and drama, and things that no one else could even have the patience for - i've done that for them, with nothing in return. Then when I have something that they can DO FOR ME. Something simple, the ONLY thing I've ever asked for - they dont. So for those who thought you were my friends, who haven't read my book. You are not my friends. There are no excuses, there is no forgiveness. It's over, it's that simple. Move on, because I already have. And someday when you look back, and realize how simple it really could have been and how great of a friend I truly was, maybe then you'll finally understand how selfish you really are.

It seems like the truth is everyone's worst enemy...

It's over, it's over, it's over...

It seems you can't hear me

When I open my mouth you never listen

You say stay, but what does that mean

Do you think I honestly want to be reminded forever?

Don't waste your time trying to fix

What I want to erase

What I need to forget

Don't waste your time on me my friend

Friend, what does that even mean

I don't want your hand

You'll only pull me down

So save your breath

Don't waste your song on me, on me

Don't waste your time

It's not easy not answering

Every time I want to talk to you

But I can't

If you only knew the hell I put myself through

Replaying memories in my head of you and I

Every night

You're calling

You're talking

You're trying

Trying to get in

But it's over, it's over

It's over, friend

waste my time
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