What's the point?

I just got back from a very long walk. I have a huge chip on my shoulder. I feel like i'm really really angry but not at any thing in particular. If I believed in meant to be or that everything that can happen is already pre-determined. I guess i'm pissed at whatever force it is that decided that. And if there is no such thing, then i'm angry at myself for putting myself in the position i'm in. I want out!

I can't help but notice how pathetic everyone is. They are like hypocritical, ignorant, downers and I just dont want to be around anyone. There isn't a single person I have ever met that isn't just really annoying and bugs the hell out of me. I'm tired of putting up with it, but at the same time i'm even more mad at myself! If it's just me, which everything MUST be - since it goes through me, my brain, my mind, and then back for my inturpretation - it's always me. So i'm like: what can i do to stop it?

I mean what is the point? To make money retire have a kid and die? I'm so trapped inside my own little world but dont want to go out in everyone else's cause it's even more stupid. So what am i suppose to do?

I was thinking. Book, money, life aside, what is it I REALLLY want right now? Do I even really want to be an author, or some art discovererere? NO not at all. I want to make cars and have a zoo in my back yard! I want to raise and elephant, a dolphin, get an aston martin V8 Vantage, and a Z06 Corvette - THATS what i want. Then maybe end world hunger and make music and movies. THATS what I want to do with my life.

Its like I can do everything right, honest, genuine, real - but then it doesn't get me anywhere other than in a peace of mind - knowing i'm doing the "right" thing. But what does that mean? I'm a good person with a shitty life?

I seriously just want to throw this fucking lap top out the window, my phone as well. And just ____ but the problem is, I dont know what the ___ _ is???? I want to run away, but I dont know where. I want to start over, but I dont have any money. I literally dont have a fucking dollar right now. I dont want help from anyone, I want to do ____ on my own. But I dont know what to do. I want to go live in the forest in alaska like some crazy camper man but I dont know how! But If I do that I wont be able to get an elephant or aston martin!

So I was thinking. I want to just do it, anything but sit in front of this computer screen, tv, or in the same small room I always end up imprisoned in. This is the point i get in my car and drive really fast with the music really loud and never come back. But I dont have a car!

It's like if there is some kind fairness in the world. Some kind of karma or whatever, then where is it? Why does it only seem to punish and never reward? What the fuck do i have to do? Is this some sick game? Derek doesn't want to play. You win, i loose -fine!

I just dont care anymore. I just want it to be over, but i'm not going to kill myself - so what's my alternative?
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