Nearly Un-Bair'able

Yesterday I decided to not turn on my computer all day. I decided to not watch tv either.

My main reason for moving to big bear and living completely alone in the boonies was to break all my bad habits. To force myself into a position where I would have to write and finish my book. Since it's done I'm like.. hmm now what? I could start on my next one - but which one?

So I sat with my mind going in and out of the normal thoughts. What am I going to do? What's going to happen with my book? What is he doing? When can I let go and move on? Why can't i?

The advantage of forcing yourself to sit in one place with absolutly NOTHING to do is being able to come to terms with your thoughts. You'll, of course, think of the thoughts most bothersome in your mind first. Over and over again - but after a certain amount of time you just kinda have to come to some kinda conclusion with them. Either to stop thinking about them, confront them, or reach a solution. When there isn't really a solution, when they're emotion based, you can get kinda stuck. Where as before I would just keep repeating "let it go derek, let it go derek" yesterday I did not> I fought it out, i thought it out. After about 7 hours, I won! At least until the cycle repeats. But each time, It gets less and less. Eventually it'll be thought out. eventually.

The main theme being: why can't we control what we think ABOUT? Is it just me? Is it my total ocd? I'll lay there and think the very same thoughts over and over and over all day long?? wtf is up with that? I hate it. But I guess you think things for a reason and the end result of thinking should be some kind of resolution.

Then again i'll be biting my nails and get really mad at myself and say "Derek stop biting your nails, Stop it now" then i'll stop for literally 5 seconds and before I even realize it they'll be back in my mouth! It's so frustrating. It's like I CANT stop. grrrrr Freaking habits are hard to break in more ways than just physical - but mental.

Most people have something to take their minds off their thoughts. They dont have the time or mental resources to think as much as me. So no tv, no computer, no car, no anything led me to reading a book about the Universe that someone left in the place i'm staying. I got about half way through and then started to finally think about something productive.

How did humans get on earth? haha I mean REALLY? Evolution and creation are both describing the same thing - there isn't two different ways we got here - only one. So what is the real one? Is it both, either, or neither? I'm going to figure it out!

I'm so crazy i love it. The book documents the change in peoples opinions about the universe. From the earth being the center, to the sun being the center, to the universe being infinite. It's interesting to learn how we have been wrong and wrong time and time again. What makes us think we're currently right? We probably are not. Especially not the people who believe the very same things as they did 2000 years ago.

So in my thoughts I was developing my own theories. The best part about the book i'm reading is the description of the people who've evolved and contributed the ideas about the universe. Aristotle, newton, Galileo, etc. The most interesting part is their similarities. They almost always had a strange upbringing without a father figure. They were obsessed with religion which turned to science. To either explain god, or to explain the world god created. It seems that it's their use of previous knowledge combined with some new idea they almost innately, or randomly come up with. Something always happened that initiated their passion - either seeing a meteor, reading a book, or noticing somethign no one else had. One guy, i forgot his name, said angels from Jupiter told him. There is a strange connection between mystiscism and science, just like with evolution and creation. They are the same thing, just described in different ways. One with math, the other with abstract meaning. But still describing the very same thing - so again. which is right? What is right?

So I was like. I can do that too! I have the time and all human knowledge at my finger tips. i'm pretty smart. I'm very creative and imaginative. I have everything I need to contribute my own theories about the universe, and hey they just might be right! I'm pretty "psychic" too although no spirits talk to me or anything, maybe i'm just a good guesser?

My plan worked. I thought out the thoughts I had to, then finally turned to something productive. I used to avoid reading because I could take my mind off of my book. Now that's its done I guess I can start to delve into new things.

Watch out Darwin, Derek's taking over. Stay tuned: The Origin of the Human Species by Derek Bair. Then a set of 3 related fiction books.

Lets see what you come up with when you're left alone, lonely, with nothing but your thoughts and books.

Today i'm obviously back online. Big things should be happening with my book next week. If not, then it's just not meant to be (yet). I'm going to give up and work on something else. Get a job (oh lord no) or run away to live in the forest. I haven't decided yet.
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