So i'm going to try and figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me once and for now.'

First I should describe the "problem" for lack of a better word, which i would use if I knew it and then this wouldn't even be necessary.

It borders on Depression, but flails widely between a dull roar and then nothingness. It's inside my head, not exactly inside my mind. Similar to how a head ache can be. There are some that feel like a physical pain, and others that seem more mental - affecting your mind.

My problem, this feeling I have, is similar to a head ache but it does not ache, it does not hurt. It's more a lack of feeling than a pronouncement. Like an emptiness.

I've felt it before. It's not really bad, it's just really annoying. It's the feeling of coming down off of some upper, caffeine, an extreme emotion etc. It's the lull in the motion, when you feel like you want to do something, but you dont want to. It's like you're self indulging in your own pity, but since I don't pity myself in any way that's not it.

It's like someone breaking up with you, but that feeling is in your stomach. Mine is in my forehead. I can touch it. I can feel it, exactly where it is. It doesn't hurt, like I said, but its there aching. It's like if someone were to ask me to hang out, to go do something fun. I would want to do anything but sit here, but I don't feel like going out. Isn't that kinda weird?

I think it's chemical. I'm probably lacking serotonin or something. It feels like something is missing, something is wrong, but I cant explain it. I've felt it before, it's gone away before, usually after about 3 weeks. It's been just about that long and I think it's getting better - i'm getting better.

When I look at myself, i realize I"m at the best place i've been all year. But the excitement, the emotions, the happiness isn't there. I can't find it. I don't "Feel" anything, nothing at all. Its like my emotions have left me, both good and bad. I have nothing left inside. Happiness only shows its silly face in small glimpses.

If I take a shot of alcohol it goes away - but I know better than to 'medicate" anything with alcohol. I'll never do that, I'm smarter than that. I've done it, seen it, and only drink for fun, not for any other reason, that is a very slippery road to travel down. All the bad things that ive ever done or have happened to me are somehow related to alcohol - as almost everyone could sympathize with.

I feel like I'm not really here. Like nothing is real, or entirely too real. The only thing that seems to make it temporarily subside is music. I've listened to the new Kelly Clarkson cd more times than I would admit to. It makes me feel like someone out there knows how i feel.

So to test myself. To try to conquer this fuzziness in the middle of my forehead. I'm going to do something i really enjoy. Then see if it helps. An energy drink is a sad thing to make someone happy. But it does, i hope. I'm sure some kind of medication would "Fix" it, but to conquer something with only your mind is better than any medication there is.

Maybe this feeling is just loneliness? Maybe when I thought all i wanted was to be alone, it's the last thing I really needed?

My theme song for last year was Carrie Underwoods - Stars with Goodbye: (yes I have theme songs)

I hung up the phone it and it fell out of my hand

but i knew i had to do it

and he wouldn't understand

so hard to see myself without him

I felt a piece of my heart break

but when your standing at a cross road

there's a choice you gotta make

I guess it's gonna have to hurt

I guess i'm going to have to cry

and let go of somethings i loved

to get to the other side

i guess its going to break me down

like falling when you're trying to fly

it's sad, but sometimes

moving on with the rest of your life

starts with goodbye

i know there' a blue horizon

somewhere up ahead just waiting for me

but getting there means leaving things behind

sometimes live's so bitter sweet

time, time heals the wounds that you feel

some how right now

I guess it's going to have to hurt

I guess i'm going to have to cry

and let go of some things i've loved

to get to the other side

I guess it's going to break me down

It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life

starts with goodbye.."

So like Carrie says. It's going to hurt, you're going to cry, but moving on with your life doesn't happen instantly. It's starts with goodbye, then doesn't really end, but is slowly forgotten. I just wish there was something I could do to make it happen faster, dammit.

I guess you can't let go of something in the midst of letting go of something. You gotta wait it out. Even then nothings' really over, you just get over it.
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