Blacky is a huge border collie-eske dog. Although we got off to a rough start he now loves me.
When I first walked by the place i'm living he barked at me, then sniffed me, and left me alone. When I walked back by, since I couldn't find the specific address I was looking for, he jumped out from behind a car and made a growling/ attacking noise and grabbed my hand. It didn't hurt, it wasn't a bite, it was a touch of teeth with angry sounds. I was mad;
"Why would someone leave their dog outside if it would attack people?" I almost wanted to go say something to the owner, in OC it would be a serious offence just to be off a leach let alone in front of someone's house. Trust me I worked for a homeowners association and if a dog was out for more than 10seconds without someone watching I received 10 calls about it.
Anyways, my anger went away when I remembered I love animals, I love dogs, It didn't really bite me, I'm not an oc idiot anymore, and I'm over it.
Interestingly the place I rented is at 339. There was a house at 340 and 337. There was also a house in between those two without an address on it, so of course I assumed it was the house I was renting - right? Wrong.
After the house was already paid for and I went to move in, I was surprised to find that the house where 339 should be, had a different lock on it than it was suppose to. So I called the rental company and asked where the house was? I was in front of 340, it's suppose to be 339? Where is it if this house isn't it?
"Oh it's the blue and white one across the street from blah blah"
Ok, So I go to a blue and white house across the street, it's not 339. Huh?
"There is a mercedes in front and a sign that says bbcabins. Look for a gate that goes down to the left."
Ummm.. This is 340..
So i walk down the stairs and find a door with the right combo box attached, turn the dials to the right code, and it opens. "I didn't know it was attached to another house?"
"oh yeah.. it is"
Thanks for telling me! The only clue was that in the description it said "condo" but other than that there wasn't anything about it being attached to another house. Condo wouldn't describe it anyways. It's more a downstairs to a gigantic house that is essentially a whole other house attached to it, or a basement house. Inside it's great, I love it, but had I come up here and rented this for a weekend with my family I would have been a very unhappy customer.
Ironically, the house I end up renting is blacky's house too! When I walked down the stairs what do I find - blacky wagging his tail like i'm his best friend, which I now seem to be.
Last night I didn't sleep at all. I wasn't all that tired so I sat out on the balcony and looked at the stars. Whenever I have thoughts running through my mind, seemingly unanswerable questions the stars always seem to have the answers. Everything becomes simpler when you look into the dark sky and realize that each tiny dot is actually billions of times bigger than yourself. That it goes on forever but at the same time, you are capable of seeing thousands of stars, billions of galaxies, infinite wonders in a single glance. When you look up you realize what it was that inspired humanities greatness. What is up there? What are those lights?
Lights as ancient people understood them could only come from certain things. Fire, the sun, lightening, and off of shiny objects. So to look up and see lights would make them wonder - what type of lights are those? What created them? How far away are they? Is it possible to ascend to them? If a bird can fly in the air, could it fly to them? With no knowledge of space or physics there was also no limits to their imagination. The sky motivates the human discourse to discovery. To wonder, to want to reach toward the stars gives the reason to create a means of travel, of flight. A way to literally reach heaven.
So when I was sitting for hours, just watching, just thinking, I understood why the stars answer the questions you ask. When you consider something, you consider the possibilities for it's purpose, for it's creation, for it's reason for being where it is, doing what it's doing. If no one were to ever look up, then no one would ever know there was more to the world than the world we stand on.
My biggest, my only real question remaining is this: Is there someone, something, out there, up there - that cares about ME. That guides ME. That helps ME. Not humanity, not life, not a select people, but Derek Bair? Am I really this alone? Am i really on my own? Do I ask these questions for myself or for someone else? Do I wonder because I can, or because I can't?
When i sit in a chair and look into the sky asking question after question and receiving answer after answer - is that me? Is that my mind, my brain, my experiences - or is it something else? Is there really some kind of God up there? Is he watching me? Does he even care? If he cares then why do so many people die without even knowing why? Why do people suffer, never experience any kind of joy and die without any reason what so ever? Why are babies born with two heads or another deformed twin inside their own body? Is there a soul in that body without a brain? What is a soul anyways? An invisible, un-measurable, un-knowable - US, that we can't even attempt to explain with the words we're given? If there is really a soul, then shouldn't we know? Isn't it who we truly are?
Is everything "meant to be" or what we make of it? If there is no purpose or meaning behind anything, then does that mean we're on our own to decide?
What's the point to life? To follow the rules so you go to this "heaven?" To be tested by an invisible man, a book of lies? I dont want to be tough, I dont want to be proud, I want to believe in something to make all this worth it.
When you're completely alone, no possessions, no career, no home, no one to love, nothing but yourself and your questions - what do you ask? Who do you ask? What do you do when you can do ANYTHING? Cause you can do anything.
Maybe, just maybe. The only point to life is to live. The only reason to live is to have a child so you never really die? Maybe we're just suppose to live and die and there is no point.. but then how can we even imagine the idea of meaning? Of souls, of anything at all?
Blacky followed me this morning on my sun rise hike. This animal, this little furry four legged thing would go with me, someone he doesn't even know. He would protect me, he asks nothing but a touch on his head. What is that? How can something that's not even human have so much compassion? Why is there blind kindness and bitter hatred?
How can I be? Why doesn't my heart just stop beating? Would it matter if it did? What would happen next?
How can I know exactly what to do, but not do it? What's it going to take for me to just give in? Maybe I'm not meant for this world, or maybe I was made for it?
If there is no point, if there is no fate or design or god or faith or heaven or hell, then maybe, just maybe we can make this world into anything we want. What would we want it to be? Cause if we tried, we could do anything, but yet we still do nothing.
I wont stop, cause I believe in maybe. Just maybe it doesn't matter what we believe, but what we do. Not what we dream, but what we conceive. Not what we imagine, but what we remember.
It's weird when your strengths are your weaknesses and your weaknesses your strength. When you loose love it destroys a part of you, but the rest is reborn. When you loose it all, you find yourself. When you stumble, you stand. When you live you die, when you die you live.
I guess Lauren Hill was right - everything is everything.